A One Act Play
List of characters
| Elizabeth Windsor | house resident, wife of Gerald |
| Gerald Windsor | house resident, husband of Elizabeth |
| Liz House | condo resident, wife of Gerry |
| Gerry House | condo resident, husband of Liz |
| Philippa Freestone | real estate agent |
| Montegue | stager |
The time is today.
A revolving stage1Where not feasible, the stage is split into two sets: the den in the house, stage right, and a room in the condo, stage left. With this setup, there is only one exit door for each set but there’s a common opening between sets to facilitate the actors moving from scene to scene.
The settings in scenes 5 & 6 have some changes. These can either be ignored or allow time for the changes to be made by stage personnel. Optionally, Montegue, the stager, can do it as part of the scene. Boxes in scenes 7 & 8 can be brought in by the actors. rotates between a dark reading room in a house and a bright living room in a condo.
The reading room is furnished in dated, Victorian vintage furniture and includes a library of books on a wood panelled wall on one side of the room and, among other expected furniture, a statue of a nude on the other side. There is one small heavily draped window. The window looks out onto a garden.
The condo is quite bright, large floor to ceiling windows, and sparsely furnished with a modern sofa and table on one side of the room and bar stools against a kitchen counter on the other. There’s pop art on one wall. The windows look out onto a terrace.
Each setting has two exit doors.
Dimming the lighting indicates change of scene. Scene 5 keeps the setting in the condo.
SCENE 1
(lights up stage left: House) It’s late afternoon, both Elizabeth and Gerald Windsor are in their late sixties, early seventies, quite conservative in their outlook on life and look well to do; each is seated in a comfortable chair. Elizabeth is looking off into the distance, Gerald is reading a newspaper.
| Elizabeth: | “Gerald.” |
| Gerald: | (after a pause, not looking up from his paper) “Elizabeth” |
| Elizabeth: | (more emphatically) “Gerald” |
| Gerald: | (after a longer pause, not looking her way) “Hmmm?” |
| Elizabeth: | “We’re moving.” |
| Gerald: | (again, not taking his eyes off the paper) “Moving what?” |
| Elizabeth: | “Ourselves.” (pause, Gerald slowly lowers the paper and stares into the distance) “We’re moving to a condo.” |
| Gerald: | (Gerald turns to her) “Why, in heaven’s name?” |
| Elizabeth: | “We’re old.” |
| Gerald: | (goes back to reading the paper) “So is William, but he’s not moving.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Who’s William?” |
| Gerald: | “Our gardener.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Oh, don’t be silly. (Reflects) But that’s a good point.” |
| Gerald: | “What is?” |
| Elizabeth: | “We have a gardener.” |
| Gerald: | “Hmmmph …” |
| Elizabeth: | “We hired him because you can’t do gardening anymore and we seldom if ever use the garden.” |
| Gerald: | (putting down the paper and looking at Elizabeth) “I’ve never heard you mention this before. What changed?” |
| Elizabeth: | Now sitting on the edge of her chair, getting into it.) “Well, you’ve changed, we’ve changed. We can’t do things we did before so it’s time to move where we have everything done for us. And, more importantly, before somebody moves us.” |
| Gerald: | “We have everything done for us now here.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Yes, but that’s just it, we have to do all the managing. Look at your gardener William; you agree he’s old; he’s due to retire any time soon so we’ll have to hire a new gardener. At a condo, all that’s taken care of.” |
| Gerald: | “I spoke to William, he’s training his son.” |
| Elizabeth: | “I’ve seen his son, I don’t think he’ll do.” |
| Gerald: | “Why is that?” |
| Elizabeth: | “He’s lazy. What’s his name ….?” |
| Gerald: | “It’s William, too.” |
| Elizabeth: | “William the second, how pretentious for a gardener. Well anyway, William, the father, I remember, was showing his son William around our property last summer because William the whatever wasn’t well and had to take some time off. This is so annoying. Why can’t they just use their name once?” |
| Gerald: | “You mean like Henry VIII?” |
| Elizabeth: | (interrupting herself) “I wonder why he’s ill? I mean he’s outdoors all day. Sunshine and such. Humans can’t get the dutch elm disease, can they? Where was I? When the first William was working, William the second was smoking, and it didn’t smell or look like a cigarette, what do you call those things?” |
| Gerald: | “A joint, I believe.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Yes, well … why do you know that? Anyway, the point is how’s he going to garden if he’s taking these smoke breaks and getting high. Our garden, or what’s left of it, could be in ruins.” |
| Gerald: | “And that’s a reason to move?” |
| Elizabeth: | “Well, it’s an indication of what were up against. You can’t do it. You’re not really that fit, you know.” |
| Gerald: | “I’m perfect for my age.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Gerald, you couldn’t get up if you tried. And that’s another thing, condos have those healthy rooms where you lift things and sweat.” |
| Gerald: | “The term you’re looking for is a gym and I bet I could still do 20 sit ups without a pause.” |
(Doorbell rings)
| Elizabeth: | “Oh, that’ll be Edith returning my book. I’ll be right back.” |
(Elizabeth exits)
(Gerald gets up from his chair slowly and eases himself to the floor where he rolls over on his back. He tries to do a sit up but is unsuccessful. He rolls over on his side and tries to get up. Finally he gets on all fours and crawls to the chair and uses it for leverage to get back in the chair, he hears Elizabeth returning and pulls the paper from the chair onto the floor)
| Elizabeth: | (staring at Gerald) “What’s wrong with you?” |
| Gerald: | (gasping) “What do you mean?” |
| Elizabeth: | “You’re as red as a rutabaga.” |
| Gerald: | “Nice alliteration but rutabagas are flaxen. I dropped my newspaper and had trouble finding it.” |
| Elizabeth: | (sits down and holds up a Frommer’s guide book in Gerald’s direction.) “And we can travel.” |
| Gerald: | “We can travel now. And do, my God, Madagascar, what in the name of Hermes prompted you to pick Madagascar? If they’d just had some roads it might …..?” |
| Elizabeth: | (ignoring him) “Now, with a condo we just walk out the door; don’t have to get anybody to drop by and make out we’re here; just say goodbye to the concierge and fly away. And remember last year while we were away, we were broken into? That won’t happen now.” |
| Gerald: | “Hmmm … I don’t like it. And it’s not that easy.” |
| Elizabeth: | “What ever do you mean?” |
| Gerald: | “Remember Bentley, Doctor Bentley Morgan? The proctologist? He lives in a condo and he’s filled me in on some of its foibles.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Whatever do you mean, foibles? Buildings don’t have foibles. People have foibles. Bentley has a foible now that you mention his name. Bentley’s the one that puts on airs, isn’t he?” |
| Gerald: | “Now be civil, he’s just having fun. He’s a proctologist after all.” |
| Elizabeth: | “He’s the one that calls me Elith-a-beth all the time. E-lith-a-beth.” (stetching it out) |
| Gerald: | “Well, he says one of the major problems with a condo is you’re not alone.’’ |
| Elizabeth: | “What ever do you mean?” |
| Gerald: | “Well, you’re sharing a building with a lot of other people. And depending on how well the building is made, you could, among other things, hear them mousing about. I don’t like it.” |
| Elizabeth: | “We’d be in a well made building with people our age that don’t mouse about. Anyway, at our age our mousing about days are numbered, if non-existent.” |
| Gerald: | “Bentley isn’t so sure, not about our mousing about days being over, but living in a condo where you’re in bed, figuratively, with your neighbours.” (Gerald goes to the wall and pounds on it) “You couldn’t do something like this.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Well, why would you, that’s silly.” |
| Gerald: | “You know what I mean, make a noise.” (Suddenly, a picture falls from the wall Gerald pounded on.) (Gerald picks up the picture, looks at it, turns it over) “Never liked this picture anyway; and what’s a picture of Picasso’s cubist period doing here anyway? Just what is this supposed to be picture of? (turning to Elizabeth) Is this somebody we know?” (turns the picture through 360 degrees, hangs it back on the wall, then nonchalantly goes to the record player and puts on an opera) “And you’d miss your favourite music. (Sotto voce) Maybe not a bad thing.” |
| Elizabeth: | “I understand all that, but people are reasonable and sensible. I think you’re being a little bit too sensitive. It shouldn’t be a problem.” |
| Gerald: | “I don’t like it. And another thing,” (Gerald goes to bar displaying a wall of scotches and pours a drink) “what would you like?” |
| Elizabeth: | “Sherry, thanks.” |
| Gerald: | “You might not be able to drink.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Now you’ve totally lost it.” |
| Gerald: | “What I’m trying to say is there could be limitations. Things you aren’t allowed to do. You can do, and not do, whatever you want in this house. But at a condo, you could be sitting out on your balcony, with your friends, and maybe somebody would object to one of us smoking.” “Or our neighbour has a cat, you’d be scratching all night.” |
| Elizabeth: | (Elizabeth starts to scratch, catches herself and stops) “Well, I’m sure the condo only allows allergy-free felines.” |
| Gerald: | “We’d be giving up our freedom, I don’t like it. I don’t want to be part of a community.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Well, maybe you should be, after all, if something should happen to me, you’d want friendly neighbours.” |
| Gerald: | “If something happened to you, I’d have to leave, I can’t cook.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Well, you could learn to boil something… (distracted) … or sardines on toast maybe … (back to the moment) ….and that’s where the community comes to your aid. They’d help you. That Wanda Ellesworth, she lives in a condo, lovely person, she’d be more than happy to give you a hand.” |
| Gerald: | “Wanda Ellesworth, that gold digger!” |
| Elizabeth: | “Really Gerald, you do go on. She’s lovely and she’s independently wealthy so you’ve nothing to worry about in that regard.” |
| Gerald: | “I don’t like it. (Elizabeth goes to the phone, a land line) Who are you calling?” |
| Elizabeth: | “The real estate agent. And I’ll show you how to make sardines on toast.” |
(Lights dim)
SCENE 2
(lights up stage right: Condo)
Same day, same time. Liz and Gerry House, both in their late twenties, in their condo. She’s on a modern sofa in one corner of the room and he’s sitting on a stool at an open kitchen counter lost in his iPad.
| Liz: | “Gerry?” |
| Gerry: | “Liz.” |
| Liz: | (more emphatically) “Gerry …” |
| Gerry: | “Hmmm …” |
| Liz: | “Gerry, we’re going to move.” |
| Gerry: | “Move what?” |
| Liz: | “Ourselves; we’re going to move into a house.” |
| Gerry: | (now looking her way) “Why, I thought you liked it here?” |
| Liz: | “I do, but it’s time to move on. We need more space, more privacy, more doing our own thing.” |
| Gerry: | “I don’t like it, we do our own thing here quite nicely.” |
| Liz: | “No we don’t. We do what the condo says we can do. I want to have a pergola.” |
| Gerry: | “What’s a pergola.” |
| Liz: | “You know, a nice little hut like thing in a back yard where we can go and sit and be one with nature.” |
| Gerry: | “Being one with nature also means raking leaves and shovelling snow.” |
| Liz: | “Ah, you’ll love it, you don’t get out at all except to golf. And now you’ll get to wash your car.” |
| Gerry: | “The car’s colour hides the dirt and I get all the exercise I need in the gym here. |
| Liz: | “You watch TV there.” |
| Gerry: | (pause) “I swim here.” |
| Liz: | “How many times have you used the pool?” |
| Gerry: | “I will.” |
| Liz: | “Aha. And ….” |
| Gerry: | “…do you plan to finish that sentence …?” |
| Liz: | “ … I’m pregnant!” |
| Gerry: | (aghast, he spins on the bar stool, puts hands to head) “How did that happen?” |
| Liz: | “Thank you very much.” |
| Gerry: | “Sorry, I mean … I (almost stumbling off the chair, going to her) yes, yes … that’s wonderful. Just a bit of a shock, we sorta hadn’t discussed (goes through a series of physical moves lurching around the stage)…. Wow!” |
| Liz: | “So we’ll need the room.” “Gerry, are you all right? Do you want to sit down? I can’t believe I’m saying this; they’re supposed to be your words.” (Gerry collapses in a chair) “What?” |
| Gerry: | “Well, I was planning on golfing…” |
| Liz: | “I believe fathers still do that sort of thing but there will be some changes.” |
| Gerry: | “When’s it due?” |
| Liz: | “It, as you so eloquently put it, will be arriving on the day you plan to play golf.” |
| Gerry: | “I was afraid of that ….. only kidding. What about your work, your law practice needs you.” |
| Liz: | “It’s called maternity leave and the bad guys promise to lay low for a few months. I could probably also do some of the work at home. Besides, I’ll be home now and we can have dinner together more often. You won’t have to cook for yourself on those evenings I’m at the office.” |
| Gerry: | “I was getting good at sardines on toast. Gosh, this is such a surprise, I guess we will have to move. OK, yes, sure, we’ll have to do something about it. When would you like to sit down and discuss ….” |
(phone rings)
| Liz: | “That’ll be the real estate agent now.” |
(lights dim)
SCENE 3
(lights up stage left: House)
Elizabeth, Philippa, Montegue, the stager, and Gerald. Montegue is a good looking athletic guy, mid to late twenties, short hair with a quiff à la Tintin; smart in every respect except for an outré sense of fashion. Montegue sports a loud checkered suit, polka dot bow tie, suspenders, horn rimmed glasses, orange fedora in hand and carries a clip board.
| Philippa: | “Elizabeth this is Montague, the stager I’ve engaged. (Elizabeth is in a mild state of shock; looks Montague up and down. Philippa offers an acquiescent smile) “Montague, this is Elizabeth.” |
| Montegue: | (talking warmly) “Mrs. Windsor, a pleasure to meet you and what an exquisite early Tudor home you have. Beautifully maintained. You and Mr. Windsor must be reluctant to move on. Simply lovely. |
| Elizabeth: | (Elizabeth is taken aback by the contrast between the person and the persona. She’s not sure how to react but decides to take the high road. “Please, please call me Elizabeth.” |
| Montegue: | (Montegue starts to walk around, touching bits here and there and finally goes downstage, looks up and around and clearly visibly mouths the words, “Oh my God,” in the audience’s direction. |
(Gerald enters)
| Elizabeth: | (looking at Montegue) “Montegue, we know the Fitzroy-Montegues. I don’t suppose? (Montegue smiles.) Third baron of Witherspoon-Ladling?” |
| Gerald: | (addressing Philippa, giving a nod towards Montegue) “Who’s this?” |
| Philippa: | “Gerald, this is Montague, the stager I’ve engaged to help us make the most of your property. Montague, this is Ger …. ah Mr. Windsor.” |
| Montague: | “Why is it so dark?” |
| Gerald: | (Not sure how to read Montegue) “Well, for a start, (Gerald’s getting a little steamed) it’s dark because it’s late in the day, (Gerald’s getting a little more steamed) late in the season, the walls are lined with rare English walnut, there’s only one window and dark is my favourite colour and … (now steaming) it suppresses anger.” (Gerald has to sit down.) |
| Montague: | (Montegue looks at Gerald, stays well away from him and heads for the statue. Montegue examines the statue carefully) “Athena if I’m not mistaken. I take it you’re a fan of (points to the wall of books) Homer’s Odyssey? |
| Gerald: | (Catches his breath) “It’s not mine; the statue belonged to my grandfather, (stares down Montegue) a … work … of … art, a favourite of his; been in the family for years. Great sentimental value. |
| Montague: | “Well, sentiment, while a noble feeling, isn’t, unfortunately, in high demand these days so I’m afraid Athena should go on a trip. (looking around) And we should expose the inner essence of this room, get rid of the drapes and maybe paint the walnut in a light american taupe-y shade with puce accents.” |
| Gerald: | (The steam returns) “What ever are you talking about?” |
| Elizabeth: | (Elizabeth sits down, can’t keep her eyes off Montegue. To no one in particular) “The Billlingsly Montegues loved the classics. Do you know them? I believe Milton Billingsly Montegue threw discus at Eton.” |
| Philippa: | (Jumps in to save the listing.) “These are just concepts Elizabeth, Gerald; anecdotal musings to help you understand where the market is going today.” |
| Gerald: | “Well , if you ask me, Montenegro here (looking at Montegue) and the market can go to … |
| Elizabeth: | (interrupts) “Gerald!” |
| Montague: | (Smiles, not offended, goes to the wall of library books, puts down his clipboard to examine some of the volumes) “Lovely library, unfortunate that nobody reads books today; we’ll move them and upgrade the area with some … I’m thinking …posters.” |
| Elizabeth: | (in shock, hand to mouth) “Posters? Posters of what?” |
| Gerald: | (borderline spitting) “Posters, you mean things that other people buy on-line and then go to IKEA for frames?” |
| Montague: | “Nothing so déclassé, I assure you, only gallery art will do. I’m thinking Andy Warhol.” (Montegue goes to the picture Gerald had knocked down earlier, smiles, takes it off the wall, turns it to its correct position and puts it back up on the wall.) |
| Elizabeth: | “Andy Warhol, is he the one I’m thinking of … who …” |
| Philippa: | (being helpful) “Painted, among other items, Campbell’s soup cans.” (Sensing the Windsors are not on the same page as Montegue, takes him by the arm and escorts him out of the room.) “Montegue, maybe you’d like to appreciate the rest of the house.” (Montegue exits slowly but not before pulling up a scatter rug and taking it with him.) “Elizabeth, Gerald, don’t read too much into this, Montegue is thinking a strong buyer for your home would be much younger with current tastes and probably with youngsters that might not see the potential in your property so we’re trying to help them close the gap in their mind’s eye. Most buyers would probably be thinking along Montegue’s lines and they’d like to see, this room, this lovely room (looking around with a modest frown) for example, as a family room, with a TV etc. and as such Montegue would like it to be a little more lively.” |
| Gerald: | “Lively? I’ll give him lively …” (Gerald makes a fist and starts to roll up his sleeve) |
| Elizabeth: | “Now Gerald.” |
| Gerald: | “Don’t you ‘now Gerald’ me.” (Gerald now has a full head of steam, takes control of the stage, pounds one fist into the other.) “I don’t care what that Ronald McDonald thinks, (points to where Montegue was) who does he think he is anyway? This is a magnificent space, (opens his arms wide) anyone with a scintilla of good taste couldn’t help but wonder at the beauty of it all and embrace it exactly the way it is.” (Gerald catches his breath and goes to the wall of books and takes out a volume and exclaims proudly) “Anybody would love to have this collection.” (Elizabeth and Philippa confer. Gerald finds a page from the book goes to the statue and compares what he sees with what’s in the book.) “Athena … well … a more mature Athena perhaps. (walks around the statue) |
| Elizabeth: | “Enough Gerald, why not agree with Montegue and just say goodbye.” |
| Gerald: | “Say goodbye? I’ll show you ‘say goodbye’, the moment that Montesaurus shows his face in here again and even hints at changing one more piece of treasure I’ll grab him by his suspenders and tell him …” (Montegue opens the door half way and pokes his head in beaming his heart warming smile. Everyone turns to Montegue.) |
| Montegue: | “ … Not interrupting anything I hope? Forgot my clipboard.” (Slowly, Elizabeth and Philippa turn to Gerald with a ‘Well?’ look on their faces. Gerald, after an indeterminate pause, swings both arms apart with hands outstretched and looks at the statue in a ‘who knew?’ attitude) |
| Gerald: | “Athena eh? I always thought she was a friend of my grandfather’s.” |
(lights dim)
SCENE 4
(lights up stage right: Condo)
Liz, Gerry, Philippa and Montegue.
| Philippa: | “Liz, Gerry, I’d like you to meet Montegue, the stager I’ve engaged. Montegue this is Liz and Gerry House. |
| Gerry: | “Cool, love the tie.” (gives him a high five) |
| Liz: | “Hi.” |
| Montegue: | (walks around) “Love your pad, bright, airy and the pop art kills. Not much to do here.” |
| Gerry: | “There was a Montegue at our school in Springhaven, Virgil as I recall. A snooker champion. |
| Montegue: | “That’s me. Named after my grandfather … he taught Latin.” |
| Gerry: | “Wow.” |
| Montegue: | “My hair was longer then. (laughs)” |
| Philippa: | (breaks in) “I’m concerned that it might not appeal as is to an older couple, a couple ready to take the next step now that they’ve retired. And that’s where the condo market is going.” |
| Montegue: | “Hmmmmm” (walks around, hand on chin) “Flowers.” |
| Liz: | “Cut flowers?” |
| Philippa: | “Daisies?” |
| Montegue: | “Roses.” |
| Gerry: | “What is this, twenty questions?” |
| Montegue: | “Art” |
| Liz: | (being helpful) “We have some landscapes in the locker that we got as wedding presents. |
| Montegue: | “Op art.” |
| Gerry: | “Did he say ‘Pop art?’ |
| Liz: | “Op art.” |
| Gerry: | “The ‘P’ s silent?” |
| Philippa: | “No, what you have here is ‘Pop’ popular art. ‘Op’ art is more abstract so it will have a more general appeal. It’s a little more neutral.” (turning to Montegue) “I know you’ll think this silly but maybe we should put the wall TV someplace else; give the room a more den/library feel. What do you think?” |
| Montegue: | “Hmmmm … good idea but we’ll need a bookcase.” |
| Liz: | “We’re mostly iPad readers …” |
| Montegue: | (to Gerry) “If you don’t have one in storage, I have one.” |
| Gerry: | “Ok, but what about books.” |
| Montegue: | “Ah, not to worry, I know where we can get books, lots of books.” |
(lights dim)
SCENE 5
(lights up stage right: Condo)
Elizabeth, Gerald and the real estate agent Philippa Freestone. The room has changed: an abstract art piece replaces the pop art; there are roses and a bookcase now graces a wall with a dozen books.
| Philippa: | (looking at some papers) “1,800 square feet, two bedroooms, separate dining room and kitchen, 2 and a half bathrooms, lovely terrace overlooking the lake, nobody can build in front of you, parking for two cars, there’s a pool and a gym and a 200 square foot enclosed locker. The young couple that own it are moving to a house because they’re expecting. Asking in the mid ones.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Isn’t that lovely, don’t you agree Gerald? They’re expecting.” |
| Gerald: | (Hands behind his back, staring dumbfoundedly at the op art piece) “Mmmmph.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Ms. Freestone …” |
| Philippa: | “Please call me Philippa.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Philippa, this is lovely. Love the roses. I think we could be very happy here. (Turning to Gerald) And Gerald, you’ll be able to do some gardening on the terrace and without raking any leaves.” |
| Philippa: | “If you’re a gardener you’ll love that there’s water and electricity on the terrace, Mr. Windsor.” |
| Gerald: | “Mmmmph.” |
| Philippa: | (trying to be encouraging) “What would you like to grow?” |
| Gerald: | “Old.” |
| Philippa: | (smiles) |
| Elizabeth: | “Ignore him, Philippa, he’s taking a while adjusting to the idea of moving out of a house. Let’s have a tour.” |
(Elizabeth and Philippa move off stage leaving Gerald alone. Gerald looks to see that they’ve gone, takes out his cell phone)
| Gerald: | “Bentley? Gerald here. Gerald Windsor. Got a minute? What? No, I’m fine, I don’t want your medical advice. What could you do over the phone, anyway? (small laugh then, after listening for a minute, utters …) Really? Maybe I should be sitting down. Listen, Elizabeth … yes … E-lith-a-beth … my lovely wife … is on a tear to buy a condo. We’re at one right now. I need your help, you’ve got to help me talk her out of it. Listen, what don’t you like about where you’re living? I need some bad references. (listens while walking around the room) You have to do what with the garbage? Separate the garbage into three piles, load them into a buggy. Wait a minute, what’s with the buggy? (Gerald tries to get onto a bar stool without success) I have to buy a buggy? I thought you just threw the stuff down a chute or something. Besides Elizabeth looks after the garbage. Good point, now she’ll have to get dressed in something other than a dressing gown to take out the garbage. (laughs) OK, what else? (Gerald now starts to look around the condo ..) I don’t think I should touch anything. Why do you want me to open a cupboard? (opens a cupboard). Well, I see a lot of stuff. (opens another cupboard and stuff falls out) Oh crap! No Bentley, calm down Bentley, I know you have a joke waiting. But I see what you mean, where will I put my scotch collection? Oh, Elizabeth and the agent are coming back. Thanks, will be in touch.” |
(Gerald tries to straighten up the mess)
| Elizabeth: | “What happened?” |
| Gerald: | “Sorry, just checking on things and … I’ll clean it up.” |
| Philippa: | “Don’t worry, I can help you. Have you had a look at the terrace, I understand you like to garden.” |
(Gerald wanders to the window)
| Elizabeth: | “Well, he liked to have a garden, yes, but it has to come with a gardener so that might not happen.” |
| Gerald: | (looking out the window) “I don’t see a hose.” |
| Elizabeth: | “I’ll buy you one; industrial strength and red. You can play fireman. Gerald, Philippa showed me the bar. You’ll be in heaven. So what do you think?” |
| Gerald: | “You’ll have to get dressed to take out the garbage. (Elizabeth gives him a look) But seriously, there’s lots to talk about. I don’t see a lot of room to store things and you park underground, how creepy is that? And a concierge? My God, I don’t speak a word of French. And what abo….” (Elizabeth and Philippa confer. Gerald wanders over to the bookcase and picks up a book … starts to turn a few pages…turns the book over … ) “Hey, wait a minute …it’s my Odyssey!” |
| Elizabeth: | (ignores Gerald and turns to Philippa) “We’ll put in an offer.” |
(lights dim)
SCENE 6
(lights up stage left: House)
Liz, Gerry and Philippa. The room is lighter now, drapes down, heavy chairs replaced with a more modern style, fewer books in the library. Andy Warhol print visible and illuminated.
| Philippa: | (Philippa looking at some papers.) “Beautiful tudor style home built in the 20s by Bergenson, quality contractor who also worked on the city hall. Lots of space, four bedrooms, two baths plus ensuite. Fully landscaped gardens, some knob and tube, separate drive, double car garage and close to schools, asking in the high ones.” |
| Liz: | “I love it, can’t wait to look around, what do you think Gerry?” |
| Gerry: | (peering out the window) “Look at those oak trees, I’ll be raking leaves forever. Oak trees, that means acorns, right? And acorns mean squirrels, right? Don’t they chew through everything? Didn’t your parents invest in a thousand squirrel-proof bird feeders?” |
| Liz: | “The kids will love to play here.” |
| Gerry: | (turning to a smiling Liz) “Kids? … Kids?” |
| Liz: | (smiling at Gerry) “Philippa and I will make the tour, why don’t you check out the basement? Catch you soon.” (Liz and agent exit) |
| Gerry: | (Gerry has a seat and turns to the end table beside the chair) “What’s all this? Welcome to 39 Bentwood Crescent. (Gerry looks through a pile of papers on the table and starts to read out loud) (Picking up a piece of paper) Jason and Sons annual furnace maintenance, agreement, $495!Jason and Sons estimate to replace the furnace, $17,895 + tax.(Talking to himself) Just what did the annual maintenance do, make it easier to replace the furnace?Beatty Electric, ‘your light at the end of the tunnel’ (Gerry rolls his eyes): Knob and tube wiring: pros and cons(Picking up another piece of paper) When to bleed the radiatorsHow to bleed the radiatorsHow to clean double hung windows(Picking up a diagram) Circuit breaker settings … # 23 – upstairs hall north side (Gerry looks upward wondering …)Hot water tank vacation settings(Picks up a multi-page manual) Setting the security alarm(Turns a page) Changing the security alarm password(turns another page, reads slowly) 30 second check list when you forget the security alarm password(Picks up final piece of paper) Turning off your smoke alarmHow to clean your eaves safely.Insuring your home against racoons. (Gerry drops his hands to his lap.)(Goes back to reading) City regulations for property owners: (shifts in his chair showing some interest)Garbage pickup: What, when and where. OK, that I can handle.Q & A: Yes, just about all of the sewer belongs to youQ & A: Yes, trees on your property are your propertyQ & A: Yes, leaves that belong to the trees on your property are your propertyQ & A: No, (Gerry mumbles) Finally a ‘No’. The city does not pick up your leaves.” |
| Gerry: | (Gerry is inert, in a daze, finally moves and shuffles through the papers, finds what he’s looking for, stands up) “How to bleed the radiators? What are they talking about? (turns and yells) Liz!” |
| Liz: | (Liz and the agent return both chatting and smiling) “Was that you calling sweetheart? How’s the basement? Isn’t this wonderful?” |
| Gerry: | “I don’t know, I didn’t get past this list of things that has to be done when you own a home. Are you sure you’re pregnant?” |
| Liz: | (Liz gives him a hug.) “When it’s raining you could install a net in the garage and practice your golf swing.” |
| Gerry: | (brightening a little) “I suppose, I hadn’t thought of that but …” |
| Liz: | “And Philippa says there’s a park nearby, you could show little Leroy how to slice a ball into the woods. You’re good at that.” |
| Gerry: | “I suppose … wait a minute … Leroy? You can’t be serious. …what if it’s a girl?” |
| Liz: | “Then you’ll learn to miss a putt without swearing.“ |
| Gerry: | “Funny, but seriously, let’s think this thing through …” |
| Liz: | (to Philippa) “We’ll make an offer.” |
(lights dim)
SCENE 7
(lights up stage left: House)
Elizabeth and Gerald. Boxes litter the room.
| Elizabeth: | “You’re not taking that!” |
| Gerald: | (trying to move the statue of the nude and unapologetically caressing it) I owe it to grandfather.” |
| Elizabeth: | I’m glad I never met your grandfather. Gerald, a couple of things: we don’t have a lot of room in the condo and secondly, we have to update our look to fit the modern surroundings. That statue, as an example, just wouldn’t fit with the décor.” |
| Gerald: | “I could drape it with something; the union jack maybe. (standing back and imagining how it would look) So (coming out of his reverie) your stuffed chair goes to Value Village?” |
| Elizabeth: | (long pause, reluctantly appraising the chair) Yes, I guess you’re right. This won’t be easy. Maybe we should forget all this and just buy new things, what do you think? Or, what about the way the House’s furnished their condo? |
| Gerald: | “I can hardly get up on one of those bar stools.” |
| Elizabeth: | (giving Gerald a look) “Imagine if you weren’t in shape. (smiles) Maybe we should talk to Liz and Gerry and see what they plan to keep. I did like their dining room suite and it certainly suited the room.” |
| Gerald: | “I thought you didn’t like glass top tables? Men couldn’t help looking at your knees, you said.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Yes, but now my knees keep men looking elsewhere. And who knows, maybe the House’s would like some of our things.” |
(lights dim)
SCENE 8
(lights up stage right: Condo)
Liz and Gerry. Boxes litter the room.
| Liz: | “I’m struggling with what to keep. Our furniture doesn’t look like it will fit, in a decorative sense, with the house. What do you think Gerry? |
| Gerry: | “Well they have some nice things, you know, things that I could live with. Maybe they won’t be keeping everything. I like some of the art in his den. |
(telephone rings)
| Liz: | “Hello? Hi Mrs. Windsor … Elizabeth … sounds so awkward. Yes, we’re fine. (listens) Oh, we’d love to and Gerry and I were thinking the same thing that you might be interested in some of our furniture. We’d love to discuss it. Yes, yes, that would be convenient; we’ll drop by then. |
(lights dim)
SCENE 9
(lights up stage left: House)
Elizabeth, Gerald, Liz and Gerry: all four together in a jovial mood.
| Elizabeth: | “Well, Liz, you like to be called Liz?” |
| Liz: | “Yes, yes … “ |
| Elizabeth: | “This is wonderful, we could end up just switching places. I’m so glad we can buy your dining room suite, it’s perfect.” |
| Liz: | “And we can almost move into this room as is, so glad you’ve decided to modernize.” |
| Elizabeth: | “Gerald, pour us a drink, Liz and I will make a tour of the place and see what else they might like to keep.” |
| Gerald: | (goes to the bar) “What would you like, Liz?” |
| Liz: | “A glass of white wine would be perfect but …” |
| Gerald: | “I have some Chablis.” |
| Liz: | “… lovely, but no thank you. Could you let it age 9 months?” |
| Gerald: | “I’ll pour you some of my vintage soda water; aged one day.” |
| Elizabeth: | (glasses in hand) “Come on Liz, let’s see what else we can interest you in.” |
(Elizabeth and Liz exit)
| Gerald: | See anything you like? |
| Gerry: | (going to the statue) |
| Gerald: | “Ah, been in the family for years.” |
| Gerry: | “I can understand why you’d be attached to it.” |
| Gerald: | “A favourite of my grandfather’s.” |
| Gerry: | (running his hand up and down the statue’s body with an admiring look) “Must have been a fine gentleman. Where do you plan to put it in the condo?” |
| Gerald: | “Unfortunately we’ve decided that it wouldn’t fit there so we’ll have to part with it.” |
| Gerry: | (Gerry’s eyes light up) “I’ll make you an offer.” |
| Gerald: | “You like it? Well then you shall have it; it should stay here and grandfather would be pleased. Let’s celebrate.” (Gerry sits down at the table, Gerald gets a bottle of scotch from the bar, pours a drink and offers it to Gerry.) “Here’s to grandfather and our new, old abodes! |
| Gerry: | (Gerry takes the glass, raises it in Gerald’s direction) “You’ll love the bar.” (Gerry puts the glass down then pulls a tin out of his pocket and offers Gerald a joint) |
| Gerald: | (Gerald takes the joint and raises it in Gerry’s direction) “And you’ll love the gardener.” |
(curtain)
| 1. | ↑ | Where not feasible, the stage is split into two sets: the den in the house, stage right, and a room in the condo, stage left. With this setup, there is only one exit door for each set but there’s a common opening between sets to facilitate the actors moving from scene to scene. The settings in scenes 5 & 6 have some changes. These can either be ignored or allow time for the changes to be made by stage personnel. Optionally, Montegue, the stager, can do it as part of the scene. Boxes in scenes 7 & 8 can be brought in by the actors. |
