A golfer’s saga – Chapter 4

Thanks to an observant reader, we shouldn’t be surprised at our daring Don’s log riding skill as he could well have a genetic disposition to succeed in this area with Québec forebears who were log drivers. Research did unearth one Ronald Dallé, affectionately called ‘le mouillé, the wet one, who earned his living this way and could well be a relative but there was no supporting evidence that he also played golf and/or looked for golf balls while on the job.

W hen we last left our daring Don, he was impersonating Slim Pickins’ role in Dr. Strangelove riding a log hurtling towards the Old Mill Bridge and certain death or at least minor surface bruising. For those not comfortable with the geography, please refer to the picture below. This, of course, wouldn’t accurately illustrate what Don would be facing with a raging torrent closing off the two outside arches.

The Magwood Park crowd that had enjoyed the give and take upstream  reassembled on the bridge for more light entertainment.

So, to recap, here’s Don astride a log followed by the two fishermen bouncing breathlessly along behind holding on for dear life to their tested in life for Canada Canadian Tire¹Canadian Tire is a chain of stores specializing in automotive and sporting gear. Definitely not up scale. rods and colour matched reels.

Further evidence that Don, in a former life, was a log driver can be assumed as he sized up his options:

1. Look for any golf balls that might have drifted down stream to this point
2. Guess that the log he was riding could well turn 90 degrees and lock onto the bridge and he would never get to see his balls again
3. Jump off this log onto a shorter limb that could pass safely under the arch

Don, after a suitable pause, reluctantly chose number 3 and with a sure-footed leap he landed perfectly on a passing log (Don still had his golf shoes on, in case you were wondering – ed) that floated under the arch while the log he had been on, as expected, jammed up against the bridge. Whew, it was that close!

But, I hear you asking, what of the fishermen?

Let me try to bring you in high resolution 4K this nerve-wracking, finger-nail biting, tennis-elbowing picture as poignantly, colourfully and accurately as possible. When the log their lines were lashed to slammed into the bridge, the fishermen, still holding steadfastly to their tested for life in Canada Canadian Tire rods and colour matched reels, zipped over the log, flew through the arch and then started decelerating rapidly just clear of the bridge as the 500 lb. test lines, now fully stretched, started to snap back. Nothing could save them now from crushing their creels and themselves back into the bridge. But unbelievably, just at that moment, a maxed out wave funnelled down through the arch catching the fishermen and boomeranging them high into the air. In seemingly slow-motion, the fishermen floated skyward tracing out an arc that would have them flying back over the bridge or, at the very least, landing in the path of a passing car carrying seven seventh day adventists on their way to the Old Mill²Old Mill, a working mill on the Humber in 1834, is an upscale hotel/restaurant complex today. for an inexpensive lunch with wine; surely nothing could save them now.

(music way up: violins going crazy)

Amazingly, with a nod to one Ripley, believe it or not, at that very moment, the packed crowd had their hands in the air applauding the spectacle and thus were able to unintentionally catch the fishermen and cushion their fall. Yes, they were saved!

Somebody, who happened to have a nail kit on their person (they’d taken a course in hygiene – ed), took out the scissors and cut the fishermen’s lines so their tested for life in Canada Canadian Tire rods and colour matched reels were saved, too. A miracle.

Meanwhile (violin music down, dulcimer up) our hero Don, balancing precariously but skillfully on his log, continued to surfboard down the Humber heading for the maybe dangerous, but definitely architecturally questionable, Humber Bay Arch Bridge. Again, for those with limited knowledge of internationally acclaimed must-sees when visiting Etobicoke, please refer to the picture above.

By now, our hero, visibly exhausted, lay down on the log, wrapped his arms and legs around it securely and, letting go of a golf ball to lighten and balance the load, fell asleep. From a distance, he was sleeping like a log.

Last seen, daring Don had drifted harmlessly under the bridge and into Lake Ontario as darkness fell.

(if you’re up for it, to be continued)

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[i] Canadian Tire is a chain of stores specializing in automotive and sporting gear. Definitely not up scale.

[ii] Old Mill, a working mill on the Humber in 1834, is an upscale hotel/restaurant complex today.