Sandy beach

A Rupert Tillinghast mystery

“You can’t go back and change the beginning , but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

C. S. Lewis

July 1, 1867, Canada’s first birthday, Clapson Corners.  A time for celebration but not for John McGregor and family. John had co-signed a loan for his friend and farming neighbour, Ben Gleason, and Ben had defaulted on the debt so John had to honour his commitment and that meant giving up his farm.

John packed up his family and moved to the neighbouring town of Goodwood and managed to secure a position with the local mill but it was difficult to make ends meet. More importantly, John was no longer a farmer which is what he was good at and longed to do. Soon after, John McGregor took his own life.

July 1, 1952, Canada’s 95th birthday, Sandy Beach. Young Brent Carson celebrated Canada’s birthday playing games, eating hot dogs and revelling in a period in his life that he would always fondly remember.

Life couldn’t get better; summer at the cottage. Never ending days enjoying the freedom of cottage life. Brent had no concept of time, a calendar never guided his days. He was only aware of the end of summer when his folks announced, ‘It’s time to pack up and return to the city.”

Sandy Beach was situated on Lake Jordon, a large body of water that didn’t encourage fishing or boating because it was seldom calm but did draw you into sunning yourself on the sand all afternoon and swimming in its clear, warm waters. You had to wait until the end of June before the waters warmed up but then you had all summer to luxuriate in the near perfect conditions. The beach faced west so it enjoyed the prevailing winds and glorious sunsets.

Cottage life at this time was pretty simple: no electricity, no indoor plumbing, no telephones, no grass cutting, none of the city’s obligations. But no matter.

Sandy Beach had a small downtown, if you could call it that: a drugstore, a summer only goods store, a post office and a sinful greasy spoon with tantalizing pin ball machines. Oh my.

You didn’t have to go all the way downtown though to get the essentials such as milk and bread. A 10 minute walk to Mrs. Jenkins convenience store got you through the week until you went into town to shop. At that time, coal oil for the stove top was the big necessity which forced Mrs. Jenkins, herself, with an audible grunt, outside to the tank around the back. It cost all of twenty five cents to fill the glass bulb which you turned upside down to let gravity feed its contents to the burners.

And the ice man visited regularly to cool down your icebox. You had a square piece of cardboard that had the figures: 25, 50, 75 and 100 on the sides which you put in your window, stuffed between the screen and sides of the frame turned to indicate how many pounds of ice you needed. What a joke, nothing would freeze. It sort of kept things cool. If ice cream was on the shopping list you knew you were having it with that evening’s dinner.

There were twin towns just under an hour away if you needed serious stuff like building materials or clothes or to do the laundry and get booze.

But it wasn’t easy to get a beer then. Prohibition still had a presence. One town, if you can believe it, was dry and the other was wet. Everybody knew why you drove to town #2. And the booze store couldn’t promote itself. If you didn’t know where it was, the locals understood why you were driving slowly and gawking out the window and they kindly put you out of your misery by giving you hand directions.

Funny. But all these things didn’t matter; it was cottage life. It couldn’t get better.

In addition to lazing on the beach, days were filled with playing tennis at a basic tennis court or trying the 9 hole golf course.

At that time, waterfront cottages rimmed the lake and everybody knew everybody. It was typical to put your name on a sign on the nearest tree to your property facing the road.  Nobody locked their doors and each cottage had some sort of knocker on its door, typically in the form of woodpecker that you pulled a string to announce your presence. Or there was a wooden box, pen and pencil inside, to say you’d dropped by. Fabulous gimcracks

On one side of Brent’s cottage were the Mace’s then the Williams who had a pump that produced drinking water, which they generously shared as everyone didn’t have an underground stream ideally placed.

On the other side were Brent’s grandparents then the Cargills then the Worthingtons and so on down the line.

Grandma’s cottage was the gathering spot for her clan and their relatives, or as she called it, ‘The Breed’. Grandma’s brother had property at the end of the road so visits were common and conversations settled comfortably into good times gone by.

It’s into this lazy, peaceful scene that murder entered. Ken Cargill, next door neighbour, was found bludgeoned to death.


Chapter two

July 1st, 2020, Canada’s 153rd birthday, the city and Rupert found himself working the holiday. Even the chief was in, things weren’t going well on this holiday weekend in the city, unrest that showed picketers marching through the downtown protesting frozen wages in the midst of a recession with the threat of violence. The mayor didn’t want to leave anything to chance so all hands were on deck.

          “Tillinghast”, came the bellow from the chief’s office.

          “Chief,” answered Rupert as he entered the sanctum sanctorum. Rupert wondered where the chief got his taste in decorating. Granted his office didn’t give him much to work with; a box roughly 20 feet square with a single window facing north that seldom caught the sun and even more rarely got cleaned. Everything had a pallor that reminded Rupert of the dimly lit catacombs when he vacationed that week in Paris and took in the sites. The walls he had painted in shades of, to Rupert, bilious green with a throw rug of clashing colours trying hard to hide some of the well worn parts on the floor. Pictures of the chief smiling with lesser know personalities dotted the walls and a commendation for ‘good work’ from the force centred over his desk. The pièce de résistance was a brown cracked leather sofa, the only place to sit, that swallowed up its inhabitants so that the chief was always looking down on you. Rupert always stood.

          “Have a seat,” ordered the chief officiously nodding towards the sofa.

          “I’m good,” came the reply forcing the chief to just giving him the evil eye knowing that he’d never get Rupert to agree to playing his game.

          “You’re off to Sandy Beach.”

          “I know not of which you speak, is this some kind of penance?”

          “No, it’s a summer vacation spot couple of hours north of here on Lake Jordon.”

          “Before I thank you for rewarding my stellar service with a well deserved vacation, what about the picketers?”

          “No vacation and this is more important, besides you’re a detective, picketers respond better to the reasoning of billy clubs which you don’t possess nor would   know how to use.”

          “And what, may I ask, calls us to Sandy Beach?”

          “Murder, a miss Sarah Smith.”

          “Ah, and the locals … “

          “Just constabulary, no detectives. Here’s the file. You’re helping out a friend of        mine.”

And with that, Rupert returned to his desk and studied the dossier.


Chapter three

The two hour drive was pleasant as all the traffic had jammed the roads the night before. Rupert enjoyed the drive, nice to get away from the city. Driving alone relaxed him. Rupert’s car didn’t have satellite radio, he didn’t drive enough to warrant it or drive any distance to appreciate having the same station wherever you were but it did have a scanning feature. Once a signal weakened, the radio went to the next stronger signal. As Rupert distanced himself from the city the music moved from rock to country; discussions went from serious with politicians or leaders of industry to light banter with the locals; even the ads seemed less immediate and dramatic.

          While it lasts, Ritchie Feed and Seed meets all your manure needs at 10% off.

Once he got there, It wasn’t easy to find the Smith’s. Cottage directions rarely put names to streets and numbers to properties. Rather, owners loved to come up with cute names such as, “Bide a-way”, “Sunset Paradise” and Rupert’s favourite, “The last resort.”

Some folks kindly added their names to the signage and the Smith’s, fortunately, just posted their name. After questioning a series of locals, Rupert found the Smith’s cottage, yellow tape was still cordoning off the area and a police car stood guard. Rupert rolled down the window, introduced himself and a parking space appeared.

          “Sean Nixon,” greeted Rupert, “You must be Rupert Tillinghast, thanks for coming, “I head the local force out of Bentington, Sandy Beach doesn’t have a police force.

Sean seemed like an affable fellow. All of six and a half feet and helplessly gangly. Rupert put him in his mid 50s. Light red lines on his nose, broken capillaries Rupert surmised suggesting a lifetime of not refusing a tipple. How demanding could it be working the cottage circuit?

          “Thanks, I might be here for a couple of days, any suggestions on where to stay?”

          “It’s the long weekend so there won’t be much here, I’ll call the office and we’ll get you something in town.”

          “Thanks, when did the murder take place?”

          “Yesterday, the body’s in the morgue at the hospital which doubles as a police facility.”

          “And forensics?”

          “We handled that, probably not with the experience you people have but I have it at the office. We don’t have murders in cottage country.”

          “OK, lets visit the scene of the crime.”

Sarah Smith, born in 1983 was the younger of Trent and Gladys Smith’s two daughters. An accomplished writer of children’s stories Sarah unfortunately inherited cystic fibrosis and was confined to a wheel chair. This didn’t affect her writing but she was basically cottage bound during the summer.

Sarah met her demise with a knife through the heart. No witnesses, everybody was doing something else and no suspects; Sarah was just a great gal enjoying her time with family at the cottage.

Blood stains had darkened the wood floor; they won’t be easy to remove, thought Rupert. Rupert always enjoyed crime series on television and the movies which showed blood forever in a shade of rosy redness to make sure viewers knew that someone had done some bleeding. And while we’re on about what the entertainment world gets wrong, how ‘bout binoculars? You’d think today the viewing public would know that binoculars give you a singular view of one circle not that look that mimics the outline of binoculars. I guess whoever is using the binoculars could decide, at the last second, to switch to a telescope and confuse the viewer but I doubt it.

          “Did you do a blood splatter analysis?” asked Rupert.

          “Yes, as best we could, but we don’t have the results yet.”

The chief showed Rupert a series of pictures including one of the knife.

          “Looks like an ordinary kitchen knife, anything missing?

          “We’re not sure, we’re guessing the killer took the knife with him. Cottage kitchen   cutlery can be a mish mash of various sets.”

Rupert nodded. “And she was wheelchair bound. Wait” Rupert paused, “this Sarah Smith. Is she the writer of children’s books?”

          “I believe so.”

          “What a loss, I loved her writing. Gave a book to my niece. She wrote for children but she spoke to adults, too. Had a good sense of humour.”

          So, who was here?”

          “I have a list, most of the Smith clan was here for the weekend.”

          “I’ll need a list of the neighbours who were up for the weekend too, several         cottages on each side. What’s the estimated time of death?”

          “The call came in around 4 o’clock in afternoon. A neighbour was dropping off          something, knocked, and when nobody answered, came in and saw the body. We got here within the hour.”

          “So anybody could walk in?”

          “Yes, that’s normal cottage life.”

          “What do you know about the deceased apart from her being a writer?”

          “Very little, certainly the family is in shock, no known enemies. They can’t explain it. Not a robbery. We really have nothing to go on. Oh, now that I think of it, I had forgotten one thing.”

Rupert turned slowly to the chief.

          “There was another murder at Sandy Beach, in the ‘50s I believe. I wasn’t here at the time. Never resolved as I recall. I can get you the details.”

          “Thanks, that would help.”

Rupert went back to his car and studied his notes. Anybody could have killed her and it was so easy. No break and enter, the victim in a wheelchair and so casual; strangers could freely visit other cottagers and nobody would suspect a thing.

          “Chief, I think that’s enough for today here, can we get settled in town and I’d like to get the details on that other murder.”

          “Good, follow me. And I got a call that the best hotel in town is expecting you.”

          “What makes it the best?”

          “Sounds better than the worst; It’s the only hotel in town.”


Chapter four

The star hotel was aptly named; it was a one star hotel. But what could you expect, thought Rupert, if it wasn’t for the men’s pub downstairs it probably wouldn’t survive. Sean left Rupert with the list of the Smiths that were staying at the cottage:

Trent and his wife who would be in their 80s. Their son Fred and his wife and Fred’s children Selina and Sarah, the victim. He’d interview them tomorrow along with the neighbour who found the body.

In the meantime, Rupert took in the town of Bentington named after a seaman who saw the potential in this natural harbour off Lake Jordon. All this and more was well displayed on historical site signs. Bentington had a population of around 13,000 and never moved too far from that number. At one time there was an active granary, still standing, and a rail line to the big city that delivered goods from ships docked from travels through Lake Jordon and connecting waterways. Now it was a growing retirement community because of the good hospital.

Rupert sought out a diner and risked the local fish dish which turned out to be quite good. He complimented the chef/owner but turned down the proffered recipe. Rupert always took the opportunity to learn as much as he could when at a site.

          “You’ve been here a while?” Rupert asked of the chef.

          “Herb Anderson,” offering a hand to shake, “No, my wife Alice and I moved here      about a dozen years ago. Had it with the big city, had a pension and cooked in the army so I looked around and this town has been good for me. And you?”

          Rupert shook his hand, “Rupert Tillinghast, here to look into the murder at Sandy    Beach.”

          “I heard about that. Unbelievable. Alice and I have gone there to swim on weekends; sleepy little place. Hard to accept that going on. Any news?”

          “It’s early. That fish was good.”

          “Thanks, hope to see you around.”

Rupert headed back to the police station and met up with Sean.

          “Here’s the blood splatter analysis.”

Sarah’s body had taken most, if not all, of the blood splatter suggesting she was knifed from the back. Rupert surmised that the killer knew Sarah, came in, greeted her to her back. Since Sarah would have known who it was, she wouldn’t have needed to turn around, carrying on with what she was doing. In effect, Sarah’s body acted as a shield. No clothes to clean.

Forensics didn’t add anything that couldn’t be assumed. All the footprints and fingerprints were of the family and friends. You’d be hard pressed to conclude that someone outside the immediate family and known neighbours was involved.

          “I’d like to do some interviews, when are you planning to head to Sandy Beach?”

          “First thing in the morning. Please join me, I’ll handle the introductions.”

And with that, Sean and Rupert said goodnight.

Next morning, Sean picked Rupert up at the hotel and together they made the short drive to the vacation spot in the police car.

          “This is Helen Henderson, she found the body.”

Helen couldn’t hide her nervousness and lingering shock. Middle age, Rupert guessed in her 40s and not prepared for any of this.

          “Mrs. Henderson, this is Rupert Tillinghast of the metro detective squad from the city, here to help us out.”

Helen had trouble looking up but forced a nod.

“I know this has been quite a shock,” intoned Rupert, trying to put on his best relaxing manner, ”would you please go over the moments before you found the body.”

          “I’m a guest of Judy Carson’s, we’re best friends from the city, and she’d asked me to drop off some baking that she had done that morning. Nobody answered the door when I knocked, it was a screen door, so I just walked in, planning to leave it on the table and then I saw Sarah, I didn’t know her, she was sprawled on the floor. All that blood. I almost dropped the pie.”

          “Where was Judy?” Rupert queried.

          “Down by the water, everyone was there.”

          “Why did you come up from the beach?”

          “I had to use the bathroom and I remembered Judy had asked me to drop off the pie.”

          “When you were down at the water, was everyone there?”

          “Well, yes, off and on, I don’t really remember. People are in and out of the water, they come and go to get something from the cottage.”

          “Thank you.”

          “Rupert, this is Bill, Bill Carson, Judy’s brother. Bill this is Rupert Tillinghast a detective from the city here to help us out. He’d like to ask you a few questions.”

To Rupert, Bill could have played professional football. Big and boisterous, muscular with bulging biceps and sporting the signs of a broken nose from some earlier fun. Sean’s notes said he had a construction company in the city.

          “I tell ya,” Bill started, without prompting, “I’m thinking of selling. This is crazy. We   now have gangs coming up here.”

          “Gangs?” came Rupert’s question.

          “On the weekends, especially holiday weekends. They take over the place.”

          “Why would they murder?”

          “I thought about that,” Bill continued, “Just to get me thinking the way I’m thinking. Cheapen the properties and buy.”

Rupert had to hide a smile, maybe Bill’s right although he didn’t think gangs were that interested in acquiring cottage property but you never know. Maybe there was some merit to that.

          “But why Sarah Smith?” came Rupert’s next question since Bill was keen to express his ideas.

          “Well, just her bad luck, I guess, they knew that most people wouldn’t be in during the afternoon and maybe tried a few cottages and came across a helpless cripple, liked the spot and killed her to put the owners in a panic.”

Rupert had to give Bill credit, he had a lively imagination. Rupert turned to Sean.

          “Have you had gangs here?”

          “Yes, but we’ve never had any problems with them, lots of innocent drinking on the beach; the residents complain about the noise. We can’t treat them any differently from the residents although the residents wished they didn’t come. They do spend, though, so the shopkeepers are of two minds.”

          “OK, and where were you when the body was found, Bill?”

          “Down at the beach with the others.”

          “Thanks, would you send in your sister now, please?”

Sean did the introductions.

Judy McWilliams, née Carson, struck Rupert as an in-command person. Professional, no nonsense, not easily rattled; very calm. Late 40s, Sean’s notes indicated she ran a wealth management consulting firm in the city. Quite attractive and greeted Rupert warmly.

          “Mrs. McWilliams, why didn’t you take the pie over to Sarah Smith?”

          “I baked in the morning and I like to let things sit and I don’t usually like to visit people early in the day especially Sarah as I know she needs help getting started.”

          “So what did you do after the baking?”

          “It was mid to late morning, as I recall, so I did what I usually do and went to the beach to read.”

          “Was anybody else there?”

Here Judy paused,

          “Let me think, Bill, his clan, my folks, Brent and Lily; people came and went, I    don’t think Helen was there at that time as I’d asked her to take the pie to Sarah, I can’t be sure.”

          “Were any Smiths clients of yours?”

          “No, why do you ask?”

          “Just wondering.”

Rupert thanked her and turned to Sean.

          “All the Smiths have been accounted for, correct?”

          Sean referred to his notes, “Yes, they all had alibis, why would they kill one of their own?”

          “Judy mentioned that Sarah had to get ready each day, who helped her with that?”

          “They have a care giver but she went into town with Sarah’s mother. You’re right that we don’t know when everybody left the cottage but everybody was around at one time or another, Sarah was seldom on her own. They’ve all testified that they said goodbye to Sarah in the company of someone else. The family would have to agree to jointly kill Sarah, it just wouldn’t add up.”

Rupert turned to Sean, I’d like to go over your notes, who would know the family trees, in your estimation?

          “Well, on the Carson side, maybe Brent, he’s in his 80s. And on the Smith side, Trent, I suppose, again the oldest living relative. Brent and Trent.” Sean slipped from his professional demeanor and had a chuckle.

          “Let’s talk to them.”


Chapter five

“This is what I’ve got,” said Rupert to the gathering of Sean, Brent and Trent. “Is this right?”

1867John McGregor has
one daughter; Sheila
Ben Gleason has two children: Jack and Beth
1886Sheila marries Trevor Judson has one daughter JoanJack has a daughter Jen Beth marries a Smith and has a son James
1912Joan marries a Scott and has a daughter Ruth Jen marries a Shaw and has a daughter LizJames marries, has a son Peter
1937Ruth marries a Carson and has a son & daughter: Brent & Mary Liz marries a Cargill and has a son Ken Peter marries and has a son Trent
1982Brent has a daughter and a son: Judy & Bill Trent marries and has two daughters: Sarah & Selina
2007Judy marries a McWilliams and has a daughter & a son

Sean took Rupert aside.

          “Why are you linking these two families, they just happen to have cottages near one another. And now you’ve opened another can of worms: Ken, I looked it up, was the one that was murdered in the 50s.”

          “Seriously? Well, that helps. Is Mary Carson alive?”

          “Brent,” questioned Sean, “where is Mary?”

          “She died in a car accident. Trent and I agree with the lineages but why?”

Rupert updates the lineage.

          “I don’t mean to upset you, I just wanted to get things straight in my mind. Thank           you for your help. One last thing, where did your ancestors come from?

          “Well,”came Brent’s account, “we’re 3rd generation Canadian. I believe my great grandfather was a farmer in Gloucester county.”

          “That’s my understanding, too,” said Trent. Both farmers from the same county.”

          “Thanks, I don’t need you anymore.”

          “What now?” questioned Sean.

          “I have some work to do on my own, can you drop me off at the hotel, I need my       car?”


Chapter six

The next day started bright and warm with no movement on the water; a sign of a hot, lazy day to come. Rupert dropped by the police station and asked Sean if he’d like to go for a walk, Rupert wanted to discuss the case and didn’t want anybody in the station to overhear and get exited or draw the wrong conclusions.

They headed for the docks, used now only by commercial tourist boats that did day trips out to Lake Jordon and the surrounding islands.

          You’re saying it was revenge?” came Sean’s head scratching query.

They found a bench that the seagulls hadn’t freshly anointed. Rupert brought out the chart of the family trees.

          “Yes, the records show that John McGregor took his own life. And you made a          pivotal point which opened up the revenge line of thinking.”

          “Refresh my memory.”

          “When you told me there had been a previous killing in the family, Ken’s murder, I couldn’t shake that. Two members murdered from the same lineage, highly suspicious. What was the link, if any, between the two? That got me into making some calls. I was sure Judy killed Sarah.

          “Why Sarah?”

          “Well, she was the most vulnerable, exposed, and couldn’t defend herself. Just a bit of tough luck really which, in a sense, is what the family suffered in the beginning. Judy could plan the killing to suit here schedule and probably get away with it.

          ”I’m missing something, where did you go yesterday?”

          “I made a trip to the land registry office for Gloucester County which is located in Clapson Corners and this is where it all started.

          “As you see from the family trees, Judy and Sarah, though not family, were connected indirectly by a situation that happened a long time ago. The records show that in 1867, Judy’s ancestors deeded their property to the Gleasons, ancestors of the Smiths.”

          “Why?”

          “Good question. Both families were starting out in farming, why would you give up your farm?  And no money changed hands. Again why? I had to conclude that John McGregor, who, records showed, owned the land outright, but Ben Gleason didn’t, must have had to give up his property to Sarah’s forefathers.”

          “Sorry Rupert but I have to ask why again?”

          “This is where you come in, Sean. I’d start by checking county fund transfer           records which should still be around to see where the money went but I’m guessing a loan had to be repaid.”

          Sean interrupted. “There has to be more.”

          “I’m sure this is the reason John McGregor took his own life. It certainly put the        family into hardship and let the Gleasons, if you will, off the hook. It’s a scab the family wouldn’t let heal, though. And I’m sure that wound was kept alive through the generations until someone was determined enough, and had the opportunity,   to treat it. I strongly suspect Mary killed Ken Cargill. I’ll leave that to you to confirm.”

Rupert and Sean were silent for a few minutes.

          “But wait a minute,” interjected Sean, “If you’re right and it is revenge then Mary      killing Ken would have satisfied their macabre plans.”

          “I agree, and that’s what bothered me, normally it should end there unless the family were degenerate killers. But I think Mary and Judy, mother and daughter, were in this together and when I discovered, confirming the family trees, that Ken was adopted, Judy surely knew this too and decided that the score really hadn’t been settled.”

           “No, I had no idea.”

          “I gather a direct descendant of Ben Gleason’s had to die. As it happened, Mary died before she could exact the biological revenge so Judy took up the   challenge.”

Sean leaned back, hands behind his head, spread his long legs out and looked away in the distance seemingly in wonder of what Rupert was telling him.

          Rupert turned to Sean. “She had every opportunity here at the cottage. Under         questioning and with this evidence, I think you’ll be able to get her to unravel.”

          “Ladies,” muttered Sean, “the weaker sex? Nice coincidence that they both have   property on the lake.”

          “Everybody here is from the city so it’s not too surprising that when this land was     developed families who wanted a cottage knew about this opportunity. Or there   was a friend of a friend to them both that got them interested. Something for you and your team for a rainy day.”

          “One last question,” queried Sean, “why did you ask Judy if any of the Smiths were a client of hers?”

          “I couldn’t see Judy taking a chance with a member or members of a family she knew pretty well and worked with. The more distant she was the better. Something could slip and expose her. She would then have to convince the next generation to take up her cause and who knows if her children would support her vendetta. This further convinced me that it had to be Judy.”

They both got up, shook hands and ambled away from the dock.

          “You’ll be heading back now?”

          “Yes, catch a bite and head home. You OK?”

Sean could hardly not stifle a laugh. “Will keep you posted. You’ve been great, love to invite you back under better circumstances, take in a day at the beach, I have property further up on the lake from where we were.

          ”I’d like that.”

          “Welcome back,” came Herb’s warm greeting, “How goes the murder mystery?”

          “Well I’ve left Sean Nixon with a few ideas. He’s a good man, he and his team should wrap things up pretty soon. What’s on the menu, have you still got that fish dish?”

          “I do, glad you liked it, guys here usually go in for the ever challenging hamburger and fries.”

And with that, Rupert enjoyed his northern pike, perfectly filleted and prepared, and then headed back to the city.


Chapter seven

“Ah the vacationing detective returns,” came J. J.’s sarcastic welcome. “I didn’t    see your name in the news even though you had to have been working hard …on your tan.”

J. J. punctuated this with his well known snort.

          “Well, I doubt that Sandy Beach news would make it to prime time but things went well. Nice folks, enjoyed the area, something to be said for small town living especially when you can have property on a beautiful lake. No, I can’t give up the city; I miss the energy. But I did bring you back a souvenir from cottage country J. J.”

          “What’s this?”

          “A doorknocker, you pull on the string (Rupert demonstrated) and that whaps the woodpecker’s beak against the backing board which that makes a noise to see if anybody’s home.”

J. J. took up the gadget and fiddled with it cautiously. “But you can see that I’m here, you don’t have to knock.”

          “Well, for the times you’re in but not there then.”

This time the snorts came from the room.

The chemist

Rupert confessed, “I confess, Fridays are my friend.”

Not a breakthrough of biblical proportions, granted, most people look forward to Fridays because Fridays look forward to the weekend.

Must take a moment for a tip of the hat to my Latin teacher who determined, over a lifetime of suffering student apathy, that the only day of the week he could hope for some response from his students was Wednesday. Thursday and Friday were spent contemplating the pleasures of the up-coming weekend and Monday and Tuesday took all their remaining energies getting over the pleasures of the previous weekend.

A detective’s life, however, is not Monday to Friday so Friday could be just another work day followed by another work day. But if people weren’t getting shot up on a Friday that needed Rupert’s insight and smarts to unravel, then Rupert looked forward to the evening at his desk. Yes, the evening. Rupert rarely left his desk before 10:00 p.m. on a Friday.

It all started at school. Most kids tore out of the classroom on Friday to embrace the up-coming days away from studies. Rupert figured that forgetting school after classes on a Friday meant trying to remember what you had to do for Monday on a Sunday and then doing it. Twice the work. Rupert wanted his Saturdays and Sundays to be carefree.

You’ve probably done it yourself; after divot-digging 18 holes, you take your clubs home and wash them immediately so you’ve nothing to do at the last minute to ready yourself to enjoy the next game. More importantly, you escape the, “Oh my God,” moment when you next tee off and look down at clubs that could pass for gardening tools. No?

So the Friday evening in question had Rupert leisurely tying up loose ends, going through e-mails and finishing up reports that were past due. Among the in-basket items that caught his eye, he is a detective after all, was a clipping, ‘Mickey Pearson is dead. Foul play suspected.’

A chemist, yes. Just not Mickey.

“Mickey Pearson,” murmured Rupert, leaning back in his chair and pulling up the past. “The chemist; we called him the chemist, the mixer of magical potions because he always poisoned his victims and never got caught.” Well, Rupert had some success but Mickey never spent much time behind bars. Loopholes and loophole-finding lawyers kept him on the outside most of his life. You’d think that once you knew the victim died of poisoning and the victim was known to be on Mickey’s best-of-enemy’s list, a detective of Rupert’s standing could put two and two together and have the boys in blue call Mickey and say, “we’re on our way, turn off the Bunsen burner and don’t go anywhere.”

There were several obstacles that always seemed to block this logic. The principal one being you had to prove Mickey did it even though the victim, a sworn enemy of Mickey’s, could be reeking of cyanide.

On the night in question, Mickey Pearson, well lubricated with alcohol, was playing poker with his regular cronies and that’s how the authorities found him; dead at the table, spilled glass and holding two pair: black pocket aces and eights. How appropriate, known as the dead man’s hand which Wild Bill Hickock was holding when he met his demise. 

Well, Rupert smiled, not my problem then his phone rang.

          ‘Glad I caught you in,’ came the melodious voice of one Sarah Benson from forensics. ‘Got a minute?’

          ‘It’s Friday, nobody works on a Friday night.’

          ‘And you’re there because the door’s locked and you left your picks at home?’

Ever the humourist but Sarah was lots of fun. Bright, beautiful and a dog with a bone when it came to doing her work. Loved the tough cases so this call wasn’t a waste of time but why me?

          ‘I’m not the lead detective on this, what gives?”

 “No, but nobody else answered their phone, it’s Friday night remember? And nobody works on Friday nights. It’s Charlie Chase’s (aside: yes, I kid you not, Charlie Chase, could have been a dog catcher), case and Charlie is not only not answering his phone he’s not answering the bell; seems Charlie’s in rehab, I just checked with your esteemed leader and he said to call you knowing you work Friday nights and had worked on previous cases involving our citizen of the month. He didn’t say if you were any good or not.”

          “Ha ha,’ I wittily rejoindered, “he would, so what’s up? Just do an analysis on the bullet and file the report.” Two can play this game.

“Not so fast, Sherlock, no bullet.” 

          “How ‘bout that old standby, natural causes?’

          “This guy, although he probably didn’t follow a strict diet was relatively young and    in pretty good shape. Nothing obvious is this regard shows up.”

And then it hit me, somebody poisoned good ole Mickey. Love the irony.

          “So what did the tox screen say? And why am I doing your job?”

          “Nada.”

          “Nada? OK, Heart attack. And why am I still doing your job?”

          “You could sell his heart on the open market, it’s that healthy. So, lead detective, I need your detection, when can we get together?”

          “You’ve ruined my weekend, I’ll think of nothing else. Call you next week.”

          “Have a thoughtful weekend.”


Chapter two

Rupert was a fan of Mick Haller, the Lincoln Lawyer, a creation of Michael Connelly’s. Here’s this crack attorney working out of the back seat of his car cause his life had taken a turn. You’ve got to like the character; somebody beating the system but not keeping up the pretension.

And lo and behold, doesn’t Billy Bob Thornton show up in a similar premise on Netflix in a show named Goliath. Only this time, our out-of-the-mainstream legal beagle has taken over two spots in a local motel as his office/home and drives an always-top-down convertible Mustang. It obviously never rains in California.

This Friday, Rupert had planned to watch the second season of episodes of Goliath as his love lives knew enough not to make a siren call on Fridays.

          “So, back to Mickey Pearson.”

Rupert couldn’t shake the idea that he had been poisoned. It just made so much sense once Sarah confirmed he wasn’t shot or didn’t keel over from lack of blood to the brain. But maybe not, as Rupert recalled, Mickey had a taster who tagged along on poker forays to make sure drinks were all booze and nothing but the booze.

There were many motives, most of them playing poker with him that night. Rupert would pick up the details on Monday when he’d know who was there. In the meantime, back to school, time to name your poison.


Chapter three

It’s all Agatha Christie’s fault; her background in things chemical encouraged her to  introduce this way of removing a person of disfavour and every mystery writer since has pondered using this means to an end.

Well, it is convenient. Slip a little something into one’s drink and enjoy the rest of the evening. No sweaty days building a guillotine or taking out a year’s membership in a gym to build up muscle. Nor no furtively looking for an AK-47 on eBay. But when it comes to poison, science has reared it’s ugly head. Hard not to detect today what sends a person to the promised land what with all the latest technology. Which is why the tox screen didn’t spin and stop at three cyanide pills and spit out the confirmation note ‘winner’ on Sarah’s machine.

Rupert turned, not to his oak lined library of well worn reference tomes, but to the internet. This is the 21st century after all and only lawyers not working out of their cars or motel rooms mull in oak lined surroundings with libraries down the hall similarly enshrined with the x hundred dollars an hour wallpaper.

Those libraries don’t tell you about what their client used to get them to visit in the first place just how to get them out of jail for using it.

Let’s start with the grand daddy (my words) of them all, cyanide. Most people are familiar with this poison, in a literal sense, because they’ve read about it, not necessarily tried it.

          “Ugh, what is this stuff? Never mind.”

 And it’s readily available if you entered ‘terrorist’ on your passport application. Take it and cardiac arrest is typically the result. Large doses of cyanide cause death almost immediately due to respiratory and heart failures.

In the past, it was hard to detect. Maybe you just had an hour or so to come to an ‘aha!’ moment. Now tests can find it weeks later.

Arsenic and Old Lace is a play by American playwright Joseph Kesselring, written in 1939. It has become best known through the subsequent film adaptation starring Cary Grant and directed by Frank Capra. 

It’s also a classic cocktail from the 1940s made with gin, crème de violette, dry vermouth and absinthe. Rupert put pen to paper and updated his ‘notes on what to serve when his know-it-all buddy Forsythe-Fitzbottom drops by.

Rupert went to his edited high school copy of this humourous classic and confirmed that, yes, there was arsenic in Arsenic and Old Lace. This was the potion that the ladies, aka ‘lace’, in question, used to move their guests, who had obviously overstayed their welcome, to their next life.

Yes arsenic is the other grand daddy poison (my words again), which, applied regularly in small doses, can be easily mistaken for an illness and the victim suffers for days. In large doses, death occurs in hours. But that is all in the past. Now arsenic poisoning is easily detectable and it is harder to get your hands on. None of that would apply to Mickey, though, and Sarah would have quickly spotted that. Mickey would have suspected something, too, when his taster took off so many days.

          “Feeling ill, boss, have to take the day off.”

          “How many days does that make now, close to seven?”

          “Closer to nine.”

          “Things OK at home? The little woman still have a bourbon and branch water waiting for you when you get home from work?”


Chapter four

Monday found Rupert in the squad room rifling through Charlie Chase’s case files. All the usual suspects were there at Mickey’s demise, all his poker playing colleagues in crime and Rupert knew them all. No surprises except none of them left the scene of the death; one even gave Mickey mouth-to-mouth. Talk about reversing the kiss of death. All this led to the conclusion that they were innocent.

Chase had interviewed them all and they all said the same thing,

          “He keeled over. Nobody touched him. We called 911 right away.”

Maybe it was like Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express, they all had a stab at him.

I called Sarah and she said she was free so I made my way to her office. It was one of those glorious days spoiled by the lack of knowledge that wouldn’t stop nagging at me. I was sure Sarah would find the answer; poisons have changed since I made margin notes in my copy of Arsenic and Old Lace. Gotta be something we missed.

Sarah is a forensic toxicologist. One of the first things they teach you when you join the detective ranks is the difference between the two disciplines so that if you’re hitting on a dream like Sarah, you don’t lose her interest in the first inning, striking out if you will. Toxicology on its own is the study and identification of toxins and drugs in the human body and analyzing and quantifying the amounts of these substances. Forensics is the application of science in criminal and civil law in order to evaluate or detect evidence that may lead to the prosecution of a criminal. So, a forensic toxicologist is someone that determines the presence of toxins or drugs in order to identify a cause of an unnatural death.

Sarah’s offices occupied the top floor of the Anderson building. The Anderson building was in a block of buildings abandoned by the university when it got its new steel and glass houses of academia paid for by generous alumni. Would that the police and its supporting services had such luck.

          “Dean, I’m pleased to announce that my wife and I are donating 10 million dollars which will go towards adding a wing to the oncology centre.”

The Dean, at his obsequious best, then went on to thank Dr. Brian Henderson for his generosity and assured the doctor that his name would be prominently displayed.

          “What the dean failed to mention in his announcement is that Dr. Henderson graduated last in his class and is grateful to be called a doctor,” mumbled Sarah.

          “Ha,” echoed Rupert. “But no similar announcements from Slim ‘The Knife’          Billingsly I gather who was known to be generous with other people’s money that he acquired during the holdup?”

          “Let me think …Mr. Billingsly, aka The Knife as you so aptly put it, on his release from his tax paid stay with us he gave us the finger and a promise to cut the red tape on our next opening of a new facility. I’d stay away from that ceremony if I were you Rupert.”

The entire block of buildings were classified as should-be-torn-down, relics from years gone by but were kept standing by weak-kneed politicians who wouldn’t raise property taxes to support their resurrection but could find the funds to resurrect the Beatles or who’s left of them to headline our city’s summer exhibition. I was met by Hilda, a department staple for many years, who guarded a glass panelled door with lettering that spelled ‘forensics’ in letters that brought back Humphrey Bogart movies. At least Sarah’s equipment was state of the art.

Sarah was a fashionista so I never missed an opportunity to compliment her on her attire.  “Sarah, my dear, how lovely you look, is that this year’s lab coat?”

          “Watch it, Tillinghast, you’re not sporting anything Good Will would accept either.”

Now that the formalities were done with, we got down to work.

          “Why are you so keen on poisons?”

I gave her Mickey’s background and since she didn’t have any evidence to the contrary, it had to be the play of the day.

          “What’s new in the poisoning business, I’m not that up to date.”

          “First of all the autopsy showed pretty normal stomach contents which you’d         expect but no surprises and, as I mentioned, a first toxicity pass didn’t give us a tell tale poison. But that’s not conclusive.”

          “Please elucidate.”

 “Succinylcholine for example. When used in the uncontrolled environment, the drug will cause the paralysis of the entire body including the respiratory organs, which will eventually lead to death by asphyxiation. The thing that makes it tricky for examiners is the fact that human body breaks down succinylcholine quickly, leaving no obvious traces. Still, it leaves clues and by products that are good indicators of succinylcholine being present in the bloodstream at some point.

          “And yes, since you’re so keen on this poison thing, we’ll do an in depth analysis on it and on other rare drugs but it takes a while. I’ll get back to you with the results.”

That didn’t sound too encouraging so I headed back to the squad room and decided to do a little digging

          “Well look who’s here,”

came the bellow of J.J., Jim Jenkins head detective at 5th division and always at the ready to give me a shot.

          “I understand you’re bailing out Charlie, good man. He’ll be surprised you’re helping him out. Charlie was always a little suspicious of your ways, always   solving cases that sort of seldom came up with an iron clad suspect. He figured you should be working in the bunco squad handling cases of flimflam,    humbuggery, mountebankery, pettiifoggery and out-and-out chicanery. Don’t think I’ve missed anything. That’s what probably drove him to drink.”

J.J. loved to play to the crowd and the recruits encouraged him with sheepish grins and congratulatory muted clapping.

          “You really are getting good at cross word puzzles, J.J.”, I shot back, ”amazed you find the time to catch those shoplifters.”

Before J.J. could get his brain cells aligned for a comeback, I hit the computer room where you could access all the databases on known miscreants.

Mickey Pearson’s start in crime was unexceptional. Petty theft, followed by joining a gang that dealt drugs but then Mickey somehow showed an interest in the chemistry behind it, how they worked and what they were used for in the real world. This led him to getting into the local college taking night courses under the guise of becoming a research chemist but all along he saw this as a way to support his criminal activities. The police weren’t equipped to look for ingested poisons; if there was blood they were looking for blunt force trauma and Mickey never had a hand in that.

Mickey’s only weakness and exposure to exposure was his love of the drink. Maybe he needed it to build up the courage to settle his scores. He was up, several times, on DUI charges and his habit eventually pushed him into rehab.

          “Guilty as charged,” Mickey bragged on one investigation on a suspicious murder, “I do like a wee dram of the Lagavulin.”

I remember Mickey was found at the scene of a crime but he was quite inebriated and that was his defence, “How could I poison the victim when I couldn’t even stand up?’

Even his friends thought that drink would be the death of him and that got me to thinking, ‘Is there such a thing as alcohol poisoning?”


Chapter five

Charlie Chase couldn’t have been more surprised.

          “Rupert, you’re the last man I expected to see. That’s unkind, I didn’t think anyone from the office would drop by. It’s good of you.”

          “Well, I am working on your case, and you can help me.”

          “Do tell.”

          “What tests did they give you when you arrived.”

          “Blood work mostly, that quickly tells you the amount of alcohol in your bloodstream. But let me get you the high priced help, they can give you the whole story.”

And with that, Charlie introduced me to Dr. Tuscana who was more than happy to dot the I’s.

“The amount of alcohol found in the blood is measured as a value called the blood alcohol concentration (BAC). The importance of forensic toxicology in measuring BAC’s is that there is a legal BAC limit when you are driving or performing certain services (such as operating machinery). Any amount above this level is considered a violation of the law and that person can be charged with a criminal offence. Additionally, it can be used to determine what state a person was in when they died in order to determine whether they died as a result of alcohol poisoning, accidental death due to high alcohol levels or another cause not related to alcohol consumption.”

“Bingo,” I called Sarah.

“Sarah, I’m at the rehab centre with Charlie Chase and Dr. Tuscana who is filling us in on blood alcohol concentration, BACs. Do you have Mickey Pearson’s BACs?”

“Testing blood for alcohol is tricky, it doesn’t remain in the blood for long and a blood test can only detect alcohol in the blood stream for up to 12 hours after the last drink. So if the EMS boys didn’t check it when they picked up Mickey, we could be out of luck.  I’ve been concentrating on identifying obscure toxins. I’ll call around and get back to you.”

“When do you get out Charlie.”

“When I dry out,” came the smile.


Chapter six

“Rupert? Sarah, when the EMS boys knew Mickey’d been drinking they took a blood sample and the lab later confirmed the numbers were off the chart. You’ve got your answer.”


Chapter seven

“Charlie,” came the surprised greeting from J.J. as Charlie and I walked into the squad room. “What a great surprise to have you back so soon.”

          “Well, I’m not really back, just wanted to pop by with Rupert and update the chief on the Mickey Pearson case.”

The chief waved them into his office.

          “Hi chief.”

          “Have a seat Charlie, good to see you,” came the sincere welcome.

          “I’ll let Rupert take over,” cameCharlie’s opening remarks, “he did all the leg work, I just provided the live data.”

Rupert could hardly suppress a smile.

          “Mickey Pearson died of alcohol poisoning, chief.”

Rupert let that sink in. You could see the light bulb over the chief’s head slowly go from a warm glow to a full 100 watt shine.

          “You mean, you mean …”

          “Yes, Mickey Pearson poisoned himself.”

J. J. wondered what all the laughter was about, the chief never found anything funny.

Three Days in November

DAY ONE

Wednesday November 4th, 2020 Sunny, High 17 Degrees Celsius

The warm weather, a seductive siren at this time of the year, cries out to you to get off your duff and get outside. I answer the call and dust off my bike. I quickly find I’m not dressed warmly enough as the temperature is true only in sheltered areas facing the sun.

I’ve got my bike gear on and, as a concession to this time of year, I sport a short sleeve T-shirt under my short sleeve biking shirt. Long sleeves and gloves would have been a better move. It’s not impossible but not ideal; my bare legs don’t suffer as much as my bare arms. And I’m not alone; other bikers brave the elements in similar gear but everyone else is bundled and must be wondering what we cyclists are thinking.

Lake Ontario is choppy; a surprisingly rare sight. The family had a cottage on Georgian Bay and large waves, breakers really, were common so I don’t know why Lake Ontario should generally be so calm.

I take my usual route, heading east to the city centre along the waterfront. I notice wet patches on the path and realize that they’re the result of ice from last night’s below freezing temperatures melting. Mother nature wants us to put our warmer activities in storage.

So you bike a little more carefully and try to avoid the shade that keeps things from drying out.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been biking and the open marinas catch your eye; all the sailboats are in. Only the tour boats downtown brave the on-coming season.

I bike through Ontario Place. Since Ontario Place is not currently functional, you have the freedom to tour behind the gated entrance. I’m a bit like a kid with the euphoria you felt when got to sneak under the tent at the circus. Everything that’s normally closed to the non-paying public is now open. Here, too, the marina is empty. I didn’t realize there was a marina here; probably for those day visitors to Toronto and Ontario Place.

Ontario Place harbours a bit of a beach, I call it Hidden Beach, where sunbathers settle to soak up the rays but rarely swim. But not today, two hardy (sic) souls, males, are shivering on shore in their speedos. I didn’t see them in the water but gathered they’d made the plunge when they asked someone to take their picture. Obviously something to brag about around the winter fire.

This is a stone beach; something I remember from overseas where sand is a foreign dream. And yet the draw of the water can’t be dismissed even at this time of year.

I bike on and come across a sock, a man’s single sock, centred on the path. I have to imagine its history.

          “Harold, what are you doing, put your socks on.”

          “It’s a beautiful day, relax, come on, kick off your shoes and loosen up. Enjoy the warmth. Oh no …”

          “Harold, that dog just took your sock. Stop him.”

          “Are you mad, that’s a rottweiler. He can have it.”

          “But those are the socks your grandmother gave you …”

          “When she visits I’ll make sure to cross my legs and only show the one with the sock on.”

I’m sure that’s what happened.

I carry on downtown to ‘The Beach’ just opposite the Roger’s Centre (formerly Skydome, a much better name) and check out the ‘action’, a male term that supposes bikini clad wonders are interested in you regardless of your age and/or condition. None to be found, not surprisingly, but a solitary single engine personal plane takes off from Billy Bishop airport to take on the countervailing winds.

The Beach

I return on the same path that got me here and wave to a top down Chevy convertible, not a Vet. I’d forgotten that America still produced them; I see so few of them. Reminded me of the time I had a friend’s convertible in similar weather conditions and even with the heater on full blast I had to give up and raise the top. So much for looking cool in cool weather.

I’m now heading back home and decide to leave the lakefront around the Colborne Lodge exit; my hands are cold. Couldn’t miss noting that the rental bike stand was full.

I stop at the lights that control the lakeshore and pull up beside a damsel, not in distress, who is in an animated conversion on her cell. She obviously doesn’t want me to hear the goings on and quickly departs out of range. I had hoped that she’d abruptly end the cell conversion to start one up with me.

Home beckons and after 21 kilometers, I know, not much, I lock up and welcome the warmth.

NEXT DAY

Etobicoke Bay looking east

Again, delightfully warm so I have to get out. This time I put on a long sleeve shirt under my biking jersey and head west along the lakeshore.

I cross the South Kingsway at Ripley Avenue because I like the ride by the water. Historical buffs will enjoy the posted placards that tell some of the history of Toronto, unfortunately it’s on a path less travelled.

This area supports a landing for kayak lovers. I bike under the Gardiner Expressway and train bridges to cross the high traffic Lakeshore Road at Windermere and head west on the bike path.

This route takes you over the Humber Bay Arch bridge; a modern suspension bridge that, to me, doesn’t fit the surroundings but friends, including an architect, like it so I’m looking for new friends.

As expected, Lake Ontario is much quieter.

You pass by, what I call, Condo City, a collection of towers that must house in the range of 30,000 residents. The condo we call home towers all of 10 stories; these go up to 48. We recently had a false alarm fire at our condo and after the all clear, rather than wait for the elevators, I decided to show off and climb all 8 floors to return home. It turns out there was a bit of a wait for the elevators because they had to be reset. I’m trying to imagine managing a fire in a 48 story condo. I gather there are elevators that don’t stop at every floor but still.

How was the walk up to your penthouse?’

‘Thanks for your call, I don’t know, I’m on the tenth floor. I’ll call you in a couple of days. God willing.’

Like the marinas downtown, boats are shrink wrapped for the winter. 2020 was a short season for the sailing crowd.

The ride to the end of the path is only 5 kilometers so I decide to return, cross over the ugly bridge again and go up the Humber on the east side to rack up some pedaling. There’s no path beside the Humber here so I start up Riverside Drive which has had extensive reconstruction to stop the erosion. E-bikes were designed to take on the likes of Riverside Drive, a dramatic rising stretch of tarmac that looks over the Humber well below. This takes me to Bloor Street which I cross to connect with the bike path on the east side which starts here.

There are a lot of people out today, I think some school classes are enjoying the outdoors as well as not wearing masks. Today I saw two seniors, on separate occasions, pedalling those large tricycles, something I’d only seen previously in Florida. Wherever you go you get the feeling that everyone who’s enjoying the day suspects this might be the last for a while. You can feel them anticipating the cold. I’m OK but where did the advertised 17 degrees come from? That thermometer must be encased in an insulated blanket and only work when the sun is shining.

I cross the Humber on Dundas street, the path continues under the 401 to highway 7 and Finch and return on the west side of the river. You start at Home Smith Park. I have no idea where the name came from so I look it up but even Google can’t help. Would there have been a person named ‘Home Smith’? If there were, there could be a practical explanation; his Mother wanted a laugh calling him in when the street lights came on, ‘Home Smith!

Or maybe it was a smithy with an office in the basement. Stay tuned.

The Humber is almost dry. So dry, in fact, that people are walking on stony paths exposed because of the lack of water. These paths would normally be under several meters of rushing river. Amazing.

This is the part of the Humber that has a memorial to Hurricane Hazel in 1954. I can only imagine what the water levels were then.

The route stops briefly near the Old Mill Inn and continues to the west of it just before an attractive stone bridge over the Humber. Now that’s a bridge I can live with. This takes you south following the Humber till you hit Lake Ontario.  

At this stretch along the Humber you border marshes which host a range of birds that spend their days on the lake. Deer and coyotes have also been seen. You continue and pass under the Gardiner Expressway and train bridges and then surface on the bike path I had used earlier in this ride heading west. I turn eastward and cross the Arch bridge for the 3rd time.

Now you know the answer to the riddle, ‘How can you cross the Arch bridge 3 times and yet end up on the side you started on?’

I’ve racked up 25 kilometers and again look forward to warming up.

DAY THREE

This should wrap up the sport for this year. Not unheard of to golf into the first week of November in Toronto. I recall golfing on my birthday, November 25th, but that’s unusual. Golf courses want to put their beleaguered, clubbed-to-death fairways and pock-marked greens to rest so they tend to close even if the weather’s OK.

I. to r. Stephen Hindmarsh, yours truly, Bob Walton & Peter Fosbery.

You park the car on a driveway that splits the par 3 10th hole on one side and the home-coming par 18th on the other. You should park your car away from the side that shoulders the 10th hole to avoid its magnetism for wayward drives. Today we’re greeted by small geysers spouting along the 18th fairway. Sure sign the season is at an end; they’re blowing out the irrigation system before winter sets in.

Still some colour in the trees but most have given up their foliage. Biggest challenge on the course, of course, is the leaves (as an aside, dying to start a second NHL franchise in Toronto and calling the team the Toronto Oak Leaves). The course does its best blowing and vacuuming the flora but unless you can keep your shots on the fairway you’re challenged to find them among nature’s perfect imitation of a golf ball.

          “There it is, no … there it is …. no ….. darn (sic)”

The fairways are still green and lush looking, remarkable for a public course. We thrash our way through 18 holes and take time for a 19th hole recovery basking outdoors in the welcoming warmth.

As for the distance travelled, the golf course measures some 5,500 yards or roughly 5 kilometers. Throw in the trips to the rough and general wandering and you still haven’t matched your typical bike ride. But then you don’t throw your body around biking like you do on a golf course and the heart pumping moments when you see your shot head towards the water have to add an effort equivalent to several turns of the wheel. The cart you drag is not an e-cart and it follows you for 4 ½ hours so you certainly feel a little more exercised playing a round of golf than you do biking. I’ll make it the equivalent of 23 kilometers of exertion and stay on course.

And the golf, you ask? Did I mention that it was a lovely day?

Epilogue

The fourth day, not scheduled to be noted, is expected to hit 20 degrees Celsius. Couldn’t be better, unless you’re a Democrat.

Blood test

When a ‘Doctor’ tells you to get some blood work done, (‘We need to do it to check for atherosclerosis,’ oh, of course, why didn’t you say so?) you should immediately start formulating a plan to not get blood work done. (More on the whys later). Admit it, you suspect your ‘Doctor’ hasn’t a clue what’s wrong with you, if anything. It’s your annual checkup and he’s fishing; probably suspects you’re a hypochondriac. At least you don’t display any obvious near death symptoms. You got to his office on your own steam. You read and signed his liability agreement absolving him of all blame should you contract some virulent virus during your examination. So you push back. And herewith all you need to know to build up an effective defense. You may wish to take notes.

Look away

First thing, confirm that he/she’s a physician and not a Doctor of Religious Studies or a doctoral student in metallurgy.

Take note, too, of the only expensively framed piece of yellowing paper on his/her wall; make sure the largest letters, the ones in bold and in Old English Text don’t start with the English words: ‘School of …’  You’re looking for: ‘University of …’  or ‘Yale’ or ‘Harvard’. ‘School of Yale’ fixes locks.

Be suspicious also if the city in question is misspelled, diploma mills always get ‘Albuquerque’ wrong.

Always look for a diploma that’s in Latin; this doesn’t ensure your physician of choice is any good but a good litigation lawyer can sue for more.

And start to wonder when waiting room reading material is current.

If the above doesn’t get you out of this blood sport, try to talk your physician out of getting the work done. Suggested questions:

  • I feel fine, I always look like this. Why are you putting on a hazmat suit?
  • Which classes did you skip that require you to get a second opinion?
  • Can you trust the lab doing the analysis? Ask for the name of the lab. The lab’s name shouldn’t be in Latin. When you get home, Google, ‘Joe’s lab and gravel pit.’
  • Humour him, (‘I need to do this to test for hyperhidrosis,’ two can play this game.) ‘What do you call the individual who came last in their graduation class in medical school?’ Answer:Doctor.
  • Needles and me? Faintsville.

Once he dances around these questions and points out that specialists like himself charge by the minute, grudgingly accept the requisition form and get ready for the next stage.

You’ve had blood work done before, what’s the big deal? Half an hour out of your retired life; some small pain going in and a bit more when you remember to rip off the bandage later and lots of nervous small talk, ‘Nice day, eh? I didn’t realize that there’s a school for puncturologists.’, and then along came COVID-19.

And this is the real reason you want to avoid blood work today. As promised, here’s the (more later).

The cozy waiting room that seated a dozen or so in the past and provided a semblance of comfort for your half hour wait is now a maze for a few people standing that measure 6 feet when they fall down. So you wait outside the lab, even on the street, until the shuffling gets you here.

Since you didn’t book a time, you get to wait an indeterminate time outside the lab or on the street because the slight young female in charge, the one with the clipboard, has trouble accurately determining the wait time.

You arrive at 9:30 a.m., the lab opened at 7:00 a.m. “You’ll be about an hour,” she soothes. You count bodies lingering about and your eyebrow arches, “An hour my eye.”

But I sense a wondering pause from you dear reader, yes, I did go on line to make an appointment and the earliest available day, not necessarily convenient time, was a week away.

          ‘I want you to get this blood work done immediately, we don’t have a lot of time.’

          ‘What, you’re going on holidays? It can’t be anything serious, I drove here and   backed in.’

So you wait impatiently and take the time to look around. We’re in a medical building so the required pharmacy occupies most of the street floor. A poster for compression socks greets your wandering eye. Why not? Everybody waiting around is north of 70. Can’t see trampoline manufacturers fighting for shelf space.

But the poster appeals to your looks, or lack of them, because it tells you that these compression socks are sexy and to prove it the model who is sporting them all the way up to her exposed thigh must be all of sixteen years old (Why do they choose models that have no relation to reality? Why would she need anything? – ed) and drop dead gorgeous. And she’s smiling. (Note to self: order a dozen.) How can someone smile when half their body is in compression? I look around the waiting area; the lot of us has seen better times. Are they at the tipping point in their beauty cycle where compression socks are going to get them back with George Clooney?

          “Notice anything different, cutie pie?”

          Male person of the relationship in a lose-lose situation, “Hmm, well, you look …     er … comfortable.”

          “I’m wearing compression socks.”

          “Ah that’s it, you handle pain well.” (Dictionary flies across the room.)

Then another poster, sans model this time, reminds you that ‘Diabetic socks here.’  I didn’t know. My limited knowledge of the condition always had sugar in the conversation. Hard for me to equate the two, “Those are one set of sweet socks you’re wearing.” Tough sell, I figure, limited George Clooney appeal.

This pharmacy knows its audience: no Viagra ads, no special on 50 kilogram weights to get your abs in shape; no stats on the wall showing you how fast you should run 10 kilometers. Even the pharmacist is no threat, leaning on his walker dispensing wisdom.

Back to reality. Well, the fun had to begin and begin it did with an individual who had had enough of waiting since he had waited long enough; over three hours. He followed the script and started yelling at the slight young thing. Unfortunately she hadn’t had advanced training in how to calm down an incensed individual (I always wanted to say, were I in a similar situation, “I have a gun.” But I digress.)

So I stepped in, I thought I could take him in 2 out of 3 falls if things got out of hand. Fortunately he didn’t turn from the slight young thing and kick me in the shins but hostilities did calm down. There was no applause.

I, too, cooled my jets for 3 hours and was finally ushered into the inner sanctum, the former waiting room described above. Alas, nothing changed from the outside, you wait here, too. It looks promising, however, you can see the end of the line.

You can also see that the staff are not the reason for any holdup. They’re bustling but there’s paper work. Most patients are handy handling a smart phone so a lot of the data is already digitized. But then it hits you, the form you’re gripping was digitally produced, e-mailed to me which I then printed because that’s what it said to do but why isn’t that data already in the lab’s computer? Why don’t the technicians have an ipad with all that information? Like the guys at my car dealership?

That doesn’t look good

“Your oil change is done, Mr. Legon, but we   see from your chart that you could use some blood work. Won’t take a minute, hop up on   the hoist.”

You daren’t ask for fear of being sent to the end of the line. Ah, memories of misbehaving in public school.

          “You have a question? You want to know why the           Encyclopedia Britannica doesn’t agree with me? Why don’t you think about it in   the cloak room? Way you go. And come back when you’ve settled yourself.”

I know, the technically advanced among you have the answer; the computers don’t talk to one another. The doctor is government; the lab is private enterprise. But still.

Now comes the blood letting. There’s nothing to it, as you’ve doubtless experienced. Your blood cells are as impatient as you are, they want to get out of there. Three tubes later, properly bar coded, and part of your life starts its new journey.

And that’s why you should try to avoid doing blood work. You’ve painfully endured roughly 4 hours of your day standing, sitting, listening to sane people argue – all to do what should be a simple procedure that you didn’t ask for in the first place and, let’s face it, you really don’t want to know the results.

And that could be the longest wait of all.

The puzzle of the jig saw

Admit it, when you buy a jigsaw1The name ‘jigsaw’ came to be associated with the puzzle around 1880 when fretsaws became the tool of choice for cutting the shapes. Since fretsaws are distinct from jigsaws, the name appears to be a misnomer. The ‘fret’, however, does have a certain amount of verisimilitude. puzzle you wonder,

“Is this the one puzzle of the gazillion jig saw puzzles produced that’s missing a piece?”

The wondering doesn’t stop there and you surmise how it could happen. The disgruntled employee, fired for studying for his PhD on company time, on his last day on the job, opens the box, takes out a piece, reseals the contents and makes sure shipping sends it your way. And not an edge piece, no, you’d discover that right away; the piece or pieces missing are the key to getting Mona Lisa to smile.

The wondering continues as you spread the pieces on that piece of felt you paid $49.95 for (more on that later) and as you struggle you conclude, “There’s gotta be a piece  missing!”

Of course, there’s no piece missing. It’s you that’s missing the patience and confidence to solve this bloody thing.

I was never a fan but peer pressure at the cottage forced me to show some interest in jig saw puzzles.

I mean, this is a trivial task. To start, you have to turn over all the pieces, I could handle that in public school. Then you have to set out all the edge pieces. That I mastered doing in high school. Then you have to look for something in the accompanying picture that you could quickly build; how ‘bout working on the letters in ‘Moulin Rouge’? That problem solving focus I acquired in third year engineering.

Why do we do it, then? Why do we put our back out from repeatedly standing and bending; why do we punish our eyes from staring at a teeny, tiny piece of cardboard; why do we spend hours at a time at this and then realize this unfinished masterwork has to be moved somehow to free up the table for dinner?

I know, when you get a piece to fit without hammering it in with your fist, you get a dopamine hit. Talk about simple pleasures.


Now that the picture is taking some shape, you tackle the monochromatic wall that commands half the picture. Had you paid the slightest attention to the puzzle when you bought it, you would have noticed that vast stretch of ochre without a hint of relief and quickly gone for the puzzle of the Magna Carta in Latin.

But you can do the wall. Now that you’ve lowered yourself to this level of cerebral challenge, you decide you’re going to show the world that you’re one smart dude and can analyze the problem scientifically, professionally, maturely to guarantee a rewarding solution.

No, you say to yourself, I will not test every single piece of amber-bay-beige by trying to jam it into the welcoming piece then picking at it to get it out then turning it 90 degrees and trying again to jam it into the welcoming piece then picking out the now frayed piece turning 90 degrees …

No, you will expertly study the scene looking for minor variations in the bland backdrop. You decide to look to a magnifying glass to help unravel the mystery. Then you bring your favourite reading lamp to the game; the one with the high octane bulb you favour when you want to read the fine print on your lottery win. All this to give this exercise the intensity a person of your learned and competitive nature demands. You will bring this beast to ground.

When you can’t take that two Tylenol pain that’s hammering the back of your head any longer, you move on. You work on the mole on the subject’s visage instead; you’ve seen that piece somewhere.


Now for that two square foot piece of felt you paid more for than a square mile of the finest cashmere. The entrepreneur that bemoaned the fact that you had to move the unfinished puzzle to eat at the dining room table figured out that he or she could make a buck by supplying a piece of felt that you just roll up for another day.

To get the most for the felt, however, he/she had to include:

  • Instructions (my favourite)
  • A piece of plastic that you inflate to create a roll that you will then use to wrap the  piece of felt around. That piece of felt is currently holding the 7 pieces you managed to connect in your first hour plus the remaining 1,000 – 7 scattered pieces of the puzzle.
  • Two elastics to hold the piece of felt you wrapped around the inflated sausage of plastic so your life’s work doesn’t unroll.
  • And finally, a piece of rejected material that becomes a sack to hold the piece of felt rolled around the tubular balloon you’ve lost a lung over trying to inflate and securely fastened with two elastic bands.
Cost of materials:$2.07
Skills required:However long it took one to learn to write instructions that require grade one level reading skills.

Now, solving a jig saw puzzle isn’t a singular event; everyone gets to have a hand in. Family members and visiting friends who questioned your maturity when you bought it, surprisingly take a passing interest when they can pick up a piece, seemingly at random, and plop it accurately into the place where it should go that you haven’t been able to sort out for the better part of a morning. But they can’t just walk away as they walk away,

“How long have you been working on this?” comes the disdain.

You want to remove the piece they just put in and triumphantly replace it yourself. You think ahead, “Better hide a couple of pieces in case they come along when I’m not here and finish the darn thing.”

And so it goes, but you pay for your pastime. There’s probably a post doctoral thesis that confirms the more expensive the puzzle the more time it takes to solve it. And the more, from doubtless a future study, satisfaction you get from piecing it all together.

“You know that puzzle of the Magna Carta in Latin?” you rhetorically ask of no one in particular.

“No.”

“I solved it.”

For me there’s always a final let down; you finished it, now what? You stare at the finished impression of this artist’s masterpiece and decide, even though it’s the only Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec you’ve got, not to get it framed.

You’re now at the crossroads: you’re never going to do it again; hard to make it a gift and tearing it apart would only reawaken your three year old tantrum days. So you gently dismantle it, preserving some recognizable chunks for future admiration, and put everything high up on the shelf that harbours your revered 33 and 1/3 Gene Autry LPs and move on to the more important things in life now that you’ve cleared the table, so to speak.

“What’s for dinner?”

   [ + ]

1. The name ‘jigsaw’ came to be associated with the puzzle around 1880 when fretsaws became the tool of choice for cutting the shapes. Since fretsaws are distinct from jigsaws, the name appears to be a misnomer. The ‘fret’, however, does have a certain amount of verisimilitude.

The answer

I  had occasion to work with a chap who bragged that he, “never did dishes.” What a missed opportunity.

Men are constantly challenged to know what to do to get on their significant other’s good side without having to be told, “Move your buns Lothario, fall’s been here for a month and the electric rake you got yourself for our anniversary is fully charged.”

I can now reveal how I pile up mega points: start washing the dishes.

I’m not talking about after dinner but (slowly) dur-ing-the-prep-ar-ation-of-dinner.

Sure you can set the table to get a nod of appreciation but you can almost train a pet to do that.   

We all miss a Spot now and again

While dishes pile up during meal preparation, you start washing them. The effect on your partner is unbelievable starting with a questioning, ‘Now what’s he doing?’ quickly followed by an almost imperceptible ’Wow!’ and then finishing with a mile wide smile and an added splash of brandy to romance the sauce.

And it lasts because once dinner is ready, the kitchen is clean. None of this after dinner,  “That was lovely, I guess we’d better clean up,” depressed state.

Before I get too excited and have to sit down from the wonder of it all and fall into a dizzying why-didn’t-I-think-of-this-before? state, I must confess that this isn’t the only answer.

There will be times when there are no dishes to clean and your significant other feels you’re not carrying your weight and dirtying a dish just to clean it to get the point meter off zero will more likely get her to wondering why she agreed to elope with you in the first place even though she provided the ladder.

No, you’ll have to continue to do the little things you do now to keep the peace: take out the garbage; bring in the garbage pails; clean up the garbage that the racoons didn’t find tasty; answer the front door and tell the canvasser, ‘No, but thank you for pointing out our chimney is a day away from resting in our driveway’; answer the front door and tell the Black and Blue Party that you already voted for them in the advance poll; answer the front door and feign fright from the mature individual in no discernible costume who is doing what exactly going out on a Halloween night?

But for that gotta-hit-it-outta-the-park occasion, you’ve got the answer. You’re welcome. As for my “never did dishes” friend? I hear he’s on his third marriage.

A breathtaking murder (13)

A Rupert Tillinghast mystery.

Prologue

“This will be perfect, what a laugh, nobody will suspect a thing.”

“Go over it again. Your Daddy’s suite is just below the floor where the party’s taking place?”

“Right.”

“So we break away from the party and use your Dad’s suite? Fun. But I’m surprised your stick-in-the-mud Dad would give you a key.”

“He didn’t …”

“… so how will we get in?

“I’ll let you in from inside the suite.”

“And you’ll get into their suite …”

“…from their balcony.”


Chapter one

Welcome back, Tillinghast, all rested up after solving those exhausting Moriarty mysteries?”

That was J. J., Jim Jenkins, head detective at 5th division, who never misses an opportunity to get my goat and make sure everyone within earshot enjoys my discomfort. As usual, he ended his zinger with a resounding snort.

Before I could come up with a satisfactory rejoinder, the chief barrelled into the squad room heading directly for me.

“Tillinghast,” he blasted.

“Chief?” And then he said the two words I didn’t want to hear.

“Lance Steel.”

I decided to play dumb but I could hear a rumble starting from J.J.’s corner of the room.

Ah, Lance Steel, a guy with looks that could get away with murder.

“I don’t want that guy to get away with murder,” amazingly came the chief’s psychic demand.

“What’s every daughter’s mother’s worst nightmare up to now, chief?”

“You must have been living under a rock these last few days, Tillinghast, it’s in all the papers. (Chief waves newspaper in Rupert’s face.) Lance Steel prime suspect in Madison Arthur’s fall to death.”

I knew all about it, I just wanted the Chief to have to have his moment in front of the new guys in the room.

“And you’re telling me all this because …”

Slamming a file on my desk, “Sort it out!”

The rumblings from J.J.’s corner erupted … “Couldn’t happen to a nicer detective” … capped off with a guffaw that encouraged everyone in the room to chip in with a foot stomp.

Lance Steel. Yes, that’s his given name and along with a Hollywood moniker Lance possessed good looks, a pedigree and beautiful women hanging on to his every word.

Not that he had much to say in my envious view. Lance favoured the quiet good life and took away more than he gave back to society.

Lance was the offspring of Major William Steel, a name in military power circles, and Jennie Woodstock, a lady of wealth and social position. Lance didn’t have a worry in the world. His education, all private school and a recognized university, didn’t prepare him for anything. And why bother? Whatever skills he had, or learned, were never going to be required in his daily life.

And what a life; travel and partying. Lance was bright and what gave him the most pleasure was beating the system. Unfortunately Lance made questionable choices for his fun, often taking romantic risks with other people’s lives and getting away with them.

I’m Rupert Tillinghast, long suffering detective out of 5th division and my assignment was to see if Lance was having innocent fun with Madison Arthur or guilty of murder.

Madison Arthur, in any other life a true femme fatale. Unfairly attractive and bright, Madison was a highly visible politician who didn’t always agree with party policy nor Daddy’s conservative ways which meant she shouldn’t get distracted by square-jawed, cleft-chin Lance. Lance didn’t fool her but he was fun and she had fun with him but always on the QT.

On his way out of the squad room, Rupert couldn’t pass by J. J.’s desk without trying to touch a nerve.

“What are you working on, J. J. beside the crossword puzzle.”

“The Philby case, you know it?”   

“Right, that’s the personal trainer who choked his client to death. Talk about not taking advice.”

“Supposedly. Not obvious, I confess we’re struggling with this.”

“Well, if anyone can get a hand on this,” Rupert tried unsuccessfully to hide his grin, “It’d be you, J. J.”

Rupert dodged the flying eraser as he left the room.


Chapter two

The cocktail party took place on the roof top of the Plaza, a luxury downtown condo. Melody Morrison, a celebrated defense attorney, hosted the event. Rumour had it that she was laying the political groundwork for her campaign to be considered for attorney general.

This was a smart-setters-must-be-seen-at event and the press was out in force guaranteeing it would be next day’s news. Lance and Madison, secretly having their fun, were in attendance but came separately and avoided each other.

Lance and Madison had scheduled a rendezvous at Daddy’s suite for that night because it was located on the 22nd floor, one below the party floor. Lance couldn’t hide his excitement. Madison said she could get to Daddy’s suite somehow from the balcony. Madison had the spunk and athleticism to pull this off and Lance, playing his part, encouraged her; she sure added spice to his life.

Well into the party, Lance noticed Madison at the far end of the room unobtrusively slip out to the balcony. Minutes later, Lance thanked Melody and left the party.


“Madison? It’s your love bird,” cooed Lance as he gently knocked on the door to her Daddy’s suite.

“Madison?” repeated Lance, now showing some concern, knocked more loudly.

Just then the elevator opened and the property manager entered the hall.

“May I help you?”

You have to hand it to Lance, in addition to being bright, he was cool under pressure. He didn’t want to pass up turning Daddy’s suite into a romper room with Madison.

“Good evening, I’m Lance Steel …”

“Yes, Mr. Steel, I recognize you, anything wrong?”

“I’m a bit early for a meeting with the major, he’s probably in the shower. I’ll go downstairs and wait for him.”

“No need, here, let me help.” And with that, the property manager put his key in the door and said goodnight.

“Madison?” Lance called now inside the suite.

Still no response, the light from outdoors drew him to the balcony.

In the darkness, Lance almost tripped over a rope. Picking it up, Lance leaned over the balcony timed perfectly to be spotlighted by a police searchlight from below.

“Oh oh.”


Chapter three

If a person gets pushed over the edge of a life-threatening precipice, against one’s wishes, you can count on a couple of givens:

  • Screams from the about-to-be dearly departed and those around the about-to-be-dearly departed
  • Dramatic attempts by the about-to-be-dearly-departed to prevent the fall which means either scratches on the person next to the you know who or at least on anything nearby that could break the fall

As luck would have it, in this case, there were none of these. Unfortunately the weather wasn’t co-operating that night, rain and lightning so nobody was on the balcony. And nobody recalls Madison Arthur’s fall; there were no screams nor scratches.

I reviewed all the interviews, forensics and lab results but the mystery persisted; we couldn’t be sure of exactly what happened so I decided to look into Madison’s past. Why would somebody want her dead or why would she want to end it all? And since Lance was a suspect, and on the scene, I considered possible animosity between the two.

“Well Tillinghast, it’s been a week, what have you got?” bellowed Chief Falco.

Unlike the crime shows on TV where an ‘aha’ or two is forthcoming before the commercial break, I volunteered, “Nothing.”

“I don’t want this to become a cold case, R. T., the press is screaming and Madison was a populist politician. You want me to put J.J. on the case with you?”

I was tempted, that would shut him up. “No, I’m good, I’d like to work with Kayleigh, though, to see things through a classy gal’s eyes.”

“You got it and I want a report from both of you by the end of the week.”

Kayleigh, Kayleigh Quinn, a fair colleen and a first class, first class detective.

“Glad to be on board, Rupert, but J.J. says to be careful.

“Careful?”

“He says you’re a misogynist.”

“A what? Not like J. J. to use multisyllabic words. Those hours on the crosswords are paying off.”

“One who denigrates women.”

“I haven’t been denigrating since I found out what the word meant,” came Rupert’s supposedly off-putting defence.

“And you’re not that witty,” Kayleigh shot back.

“Back to being a misogynist, give me an example,” backpedalled Rupert.

“That joke you cracked the other day at J.J.?”

“I don’t recall.”

“J. J. didn’t laugh and you moved on to tell the same joke to Danya.”

“Is there a punchline to this story?”

“When she didn’t laugh, you went into great detail explaining the joke to her.”

“And that’s misogyny? I normally have to explain my jokes to J. J., too.”

“Just giving you a heads up, but I want to work with you.”

“I’m afraid to say anything. But you will correct me should I …”

“I’ll give you three swings. Tell me what you’re thinking about the case.”


Chapter four

“Melody, I want you to defend me.”

Melody’s professionalism stopped her from rolling her eyes. Can the mighty Lance Steel be begging? Can the leader of the hedonistic party actually have come down to earth? Is that a tear or did he just finish an onion sandwich?

“I’d be pleased to represent you, Mr. Steel.”

“Call me Lance.”

“Mr. Steel.”

“I can explain everything, well, mostly everything.”

“I’m sure, first thing, don’t explain anything to anyone. Whom have you spoken to about this?”

“Nobody that I can remember.”

“Can you make bail?”

“Yes.”

“Good, let’s get that settled and get you out of here.”


“I see where Lance has engaged Melody Morrison as his counsel,” cameKaleigh’s observation.

“She’s good … is that condescending?…”

“No, carry on, she’ll put up a formidable defense, I’ve seen her work.”

“OK, let’s review the case, Kaleigh.

“The big question is whether Lance pushed Madison or not. There are no witnesses yet Lance was there so he had the opportunity but why kill her? According to the press, this had all the appearance of a rendezvous. The word on the street is she’d already fallen when he got into the room so it was an accident.”

“It looks that way but we only have Lance’s word for it. And what did we decide about the rope?”

“This is how Madison had to get to the balcony from the top floor balcony.”

“I don’t understand,” said Kayleigh, “where did it come from if Lance didn’t bring it?”

“Well, her father testified that Madison visited with him that afternoon, she could have brought it and set it up on the balcony and made sure the balcony door to his suite was unlocked.”

(Kaleigh seriously) “So, do you think Lance was in the room with Madison? I’m pretty sure the defense will say Madison fell trying to come down to the balcony. But it’s easy to see that circumstantially, Lance was involved. He was there; he could have pushed her in fun and that’s grounds for manslaughter.”

(pause) “You know, Kayleigh, you’d look a lot cuter if you smiled more.”

“That’s one!”

“Oh no, I …”

“Yep.”

“Sorry. Back to work. What do we really know about these two?”


“Who knows about your romantic escapades with Madison Arthur?” questioned Melody.

“Not sure, we tried to keep it quiet. Her father would have run me out of town if he’d known.”

This will probably be the prosecution’s argument, you held their relationship over her; if she didn’t play your games you’d expose her and threaten her political career …”

“… this is crazy”

“Welcome to the wonderful world of ‘he said’ ‘she said’.”


Chapter five

Jury duty is a cattle call; a lot of people get a letter in the mail saying they’ve been chosen and you’ve no choice, you’ve got to appear.

Allow me to paint you a picture of a hypothetical day in the life of the jury selection process.

When you answer the call and show up in Room 3B, you quickly realize you weren’t one of a chosen few. The courts need lots of bodies to end up with a dozen and you quickly surmise more than half of the gathered throng would be happier to be somewhere else.

‘Do-your-civic-duty-and-uphold-the-democratic-process’ is a hard sell. ‘How do I get out of this?’ is the prevailing plea.

“I’m a part-time emergency room nurse, on call 24 hours a day.”

You’re excused. Next.

“I can’t serve on a jury, I need to work everyday, I’m a sole provider; eleven people depend on me.”

“What do you do?”

“I … uh … I’m a farmer, that’s it, a farmer.”

“And what do you farm?”

“Ah … medicinal herbs.”

“Take a seat over there. Welcome to jury duty.”

That’s just the first step, you do get another chance to dodge doing your civic duty if either the prosecution or defense doesn’t think you’d favour their client.    

“Mr. Jones, what is your profession?”

“I’m an engineer.”

“And what is your responsibility?”

“I volunteer my services to help third world nations implement systems that use sustainable resources to provide their people with basic electric power and clean water. In my spare time I teach the less fortunate in these countries how to make pancakes out of flax seeds discarded by migrant monkeys. I pay for these trips myself.”

(The defense team then huddles to decide if this highly educated, in demand rational, reasonable family-man-church-going-pillar-of-the-community would be favourably disposed to their client who, though charged with dealing drugs to B celebrities from the back of his Range Rover, in his defense can still play the kazoo well enough to receive Arts Canada grants. This was a skill he perfected while being held back in junior kindergarten at reform school.

“Your honour we’re going to use one of our challenges and excuse this individual.”

So ends the hypothesis. In Lance’s situation, the defense is looking for liberal minded, red blooded frat boys of a partying persuasion whereas the prosecution would love to fill the seats with exemplary female graduates of Our Lady in Perpetual Pain primary school.

And so it goes till twelve people surface to face the jurisprudence tennis match between the defense and prosecution.


Chapter six

Rupert and Kayleigh had just finished a session with the prosecution team.

“Now what?” came Kayleigh’s query.

“We wait, hear what both sides have to say, we may be called to testify, and then wait again for the jury’s decision. Why the frown?”

“I just heard that I didn’t get the promotion. They said I was qualified and deserved it but they didn’t want to put that pressure on me. Can you believe that?”

“I’ve a confession. I was part of that decision.”

“That’s two.”


“Ladies and gentlemen on the jury, have you reached a verdict?” intoned the judge.

“No your honour,” replied the jury foreman. Gasps resonated around the panelled courtroom.

“Is there an opportunity to resolve the impasse? questioned the judge.

“No your honour,” came the reply.

“Then I declare a mistrial. Does the prosecution wish to retry the case?”

Brent Smithing, standing for the prosecution, “No your honour.”

“Then I declare the case dismissed and the defendant is free to go.”

(Sound of gavel)


“Well, well the return of the conquering heroes, at least you got a draw Rupert,” came the zing with a smile from J. J. as Kayleigh and Rupert entered the squad room.

“Probably the right decision,” concluded Rupert, “Lance was quite shaken by the experience, he certainly seemed overwhelmed. We could never nail down the time between Lance’s meeting with the property manager and when Madison fell. There was a gap, which probably caused reasonable doubt in the minds of some of the jurors.

“As the defense concluded, Madison, her recklessness combined with the bad weather, probably slipped and missed the balcony.”

“You’re probably right, Rupert,” said an understanding J. J. “You two did good work; now that that’s put that to bed, how ‘bout helping me solve the puzzle, what’s a 13 letter word for ‘A breathtaking murder’?”

“I hear you’re still struggling with the Philby case, J. J.”, Rupert reminded loudly enough so everyone in the room heard, “ … let me think, 13 letters eh?”

Rupert, enjoying himself and with a wink to Kayleigh let the tension build …

“How ‘bout ‘strangulation’?”


Epilogue

(Case windup office get together at Kayleigh’s apartment with Kayleigh at the piano playing ‘Moonglow’)

Rupert, admiring her playing, “I didn’t realize you could play the piano; that’s a favourite of mine.”

“Do you play Rupert?”

“Not at all, always wanted to, but if I could just make a suggestion …”

“Strike three … you’re out!”

“9-1-1 this is 1-1-1”

Murder at the Marcher’s cottage

A story of intrigue, mayhem, gore, dastardly deeds … even deer flies all seasonally adjusted with bits of local lore and very little humour.
Well, it’s a murder.
“This better be ketchup.”

A Rupert Tillinghast mystery.

“Definitely, in all my years on the force, a mystery.”

Prologue

It wasn’t dark and stormy, not even a little bit overcast, the day we headed towards one of Ontario’s most picturesque cottage destinations, Parry Sound.

It was light, fair and warm which is what a late July day should be.

The Marchers generously opened their chalet to us for a few days to get away from the clutches of Covid-19. Well, to get away from where Covid-19 was on your mind all the time. The cottage was almost isolated and, of course, practically outdoors so masks and social distancing weren’t required. We were in for a touching few days.

The drive from Toronto, as you can see, is a pretty straight line on the multi-lane 400 highway.

The map’s white isn’t snow but as you move further north you do get a feeling that everything is more verdant from the urban living you left behind.

Road signs keep you amused:

Fresh French fries and gas.

“I’ll just have the fries, thank you.”

Slower traffic keep right.

This is a subtle way of saying that the left lane is for passing in Ontario. At one time this was the law, probably still is but drivers persist in hogging the left lane which means you have to pass them on the right which means that’s now the faster lane which means, if you follow the signs literally, in some cases, religiously if you’re the slower traffic, you should move to the shoulder, or ditch. A good defense if you’re left-lane-hogging-minded might be dyslexia.

In Switzerland, if you pass on the right, a giant native bird of preying, the great tit, (Careful how you Google this, you could end up at a porn site.) descends and removes your car from the multi-lane highway. Or worse, leaves an unremoveable deposit on your windshield, eye level. Switzerland, now that we’re on this topic and still letting cruise control lull you to Parry Sound, has you pay for the use of their super highways. Proof of payment is a sticker on your windshield. The naïve1not an umlaut, which would indicate a change in the vowel sound, but a diaeresis motorist, usually a tourist entering the land of Toblerone, who doesn’t sport such a sticker, gets stuck with the equivalent of a $100 fine and, just to rub it in, has to buy a sticker. Most Swiss police start their patrolling on the super highways at the border.

Once you pass Barrie on the way to Parry Sound (see map above), you not only leave civilization which pretty well covers the stretch from Toronto to Barrie but start to be impressed by the highwaymen (not the robbers) who had to chisel their way through some forgot-the-name 2Canadiangeographical shield. Cottagers must love non-cottage owners who helped pay for this four lane stretch of highway. There’s no commercial reason why there’s so much highway here. Doubtless, a politician has or had a cottage and bemoaned the time it took to spend a weekend near the water and signed up to be on the transportation board and immediately approved the egregious sum to get him to where he wanted to go faster.

The widening of the highway, though, did clean up the carnage that surfaced every summer weekend with cottagers racing to beat the other guy. Today’s trips of two hours were then known to take five.

We leave this asphalt non-jungle and take to the local roads to achieve our end point. Speaking of which, the address, a mere number hidden in the woods, is locatable on your GPS. Who knew? We’re 15 minutes away using driveable roads to get to the final disappearance into the brush.

The car, your car if you have the latest in warning signals, balks. Your car’s monitor, today almost the size of your first TV but in colour, tells you there’s an object ahead and you should detour. The object turns out to be the median between the ruts in the road that would challenge a Range Rover in high dudgeon. The median could also use a hair cut.

Your vehicle scrapes its way making a last ditch stand and voilà: the cottage, the forest, the lake and the silence welcomes you and eases out a uncontrollable smile; “You have reached your destination, your destination is on the right.”, 111 Bay Avenue Road.


Chapter one

The kid in you eagerly empties the trunk and rushes to take everything in as quickly as possible. While the distaff side responsibly puts everything away (although you did chill the beer and wine) you rush around to refresh your memory of memories past. (This had not been our first invitation.)

The cottage, situated on the inland lake Kingshott3The lake was named after Gordon Gerald Kingshott who was killed in action during the Second World War. The Canadian government had the commendable policy of naming lakes after their war dead, and Gordon is thus commemorated., is in pristine condition and warms you to lazing on the deck in brand new Muskoka chairs aka Adirondack chairs aka the only style of chair that seems to be legally allowed in cottage country. You know this chair: a curvaceous seat to handle the uncomfortable curves; a leaning fan back back-of-the-chair; large arm rests to handle any libation and give you the necessary leverage to extract yourself later without help or losing your pants; and, in some cases, the ability to tilt things in your favour. All guaranteed to support somnolent snoozing any time of the cottage day.

But all is not fun and games just yet. The master of the boarding party has to check things out: pump, check; water, check; hot water, wait a minute – check; electricity, check; fridge working, check; toilet working – please, check; stove working, check; coffee pot working, not sure but everything looks spot on including the spots on the porch.

Wait a minute, spots on the porch! Where did they come from? I look upward expecting to see a lion enjoying its kill.

“Sheila, what do these look like to you?”

The highly trained professional nurse of years past quickly assesses the situation and drawing on a medical master memory decidedly decrees, “Ketchup. Dried ketchup, now go and fire up the BBQ, chef.” But something’s not right; I pay attention when streaming detective shows. Ketchup stays red or at least redder than blood. I know, I know – blood isn’t the red it is on Murder She Wrote. Just as binoculars aren’t two circles when you see through themand see through the movies idea of what you should be seeing. No, this was blood. No ketchup sweetness to the nose. And the blood didn’t stop on the porch. There was blood on the railing, too.

“Sheila, look around in front of the porch to see if you can spot any unusual spots.”

“What part of ‘now go and fire up the BBQ, Bourdain,’ didn’t you comprehend, Sherlock?” came her pointed rejoinder. “And measles has been eradicated,” she added for good measure.

“Humour me Miss Child, have a look around, I’ll take the back of the cottage.”

Minutes of meandering produce nothing on my side.

“Anything your way?” I shout.

“I think I just killed …”

(Incredulously) “ … what?”

“. … a deer fly, gotcha.”

“Focus, Sheila, focus.”

“How ‘bout a body,” came a stilled voice.

“A body of what, water? A body of works? (we tend to take the entire output of an author on holiday to spot his self plagiarism.)

“How ‘bout a body of body.”

This is no time for high school humour. What in blazes is she up to? I scramble from my bramble patch and work my way towards the distant, “Oh Mys.”

But it is indeed a body. A non-moving form of indeterminate age, maybe in the sixties? A male body in working clothes with working-rough hands and glasses slipping off his head held by a hand as if he’d made a last grasp to save them.

Funny how when we’re in the throes of a fall, rather than try to save our un-athletic body from permanent damage and spread our hands to break the fall, we tend to focus on not spilling the glass of wine we’re holding or the gallon of paint or whatever that will generate a severe scolding, “You broke my mother’s favourite cup and saucer.”

“I think my femur is fractured.”

“You broke my mother’s favourite cup and saucer.”

“My femur is definitely finito.”

“It was her George VI and Queen Elizabeth commemorative cup and saucer. She treasured it.”

“I’ll give her my Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson commemorative cup and saucer.”

Sheila breaks the reverie, “Do you know him?”

“No and why should we, we’ve only been here a few times, never met anyone.”

“What do we do?”

“Call the police.”

“Maybe he just fell.”

(Rolling him over)

“Well, then his head fell on a bullet.”


Chapter two

Hello 911, what is the nature of your call?”

“We’re calling about a body.”

“A body of water; a body of work …”

“A body of body; someone’s been shot.”

“Let me put you through to the police.”

“Hello, Parry Sound police, sergeant Peters.”

“Hello, we’re found a body.”

“A body of water, a body of work?”

“I don’t believe this … (sputtering) …      a dead body.”

“Where are you?”

“111 Bay Avenue Road. Do you know that?”

“Yes, yes, we get a lot of garbage calls from there. Stay where you are, don’t touch anything, we should be there in 15 minutes.”

“Rupert … I’d like you in on this.”

“Jock, I’m on holidays and we’re to go fishing this morning.”

Rupert Tillinghast, detective of note, stationed out of 5th Division in Toronto. Famous for his unravelling of the mentally challenging, physically undemanding  ‘Moriarty Mysteries’ that kept the tabloids busy for several issues. Alert, personable, no aquiline nose but with hair, lots of hair, and a dedicated mien that seeks out truth, justice and a good Chablis. Currently on vacation in Parry Sound as a guest of Jock Peters, long time associate and seeker of nothing more than a cheap plonk of red colouring. Hey, opposites do attract.

“Come on, it’ll be fun, won’t take long, these cottage types don’t know a speckled trout from a red herring, could be nothing.”

Jock Peters, Rupert Tillinghast and Virgil Pinkerton, Jock’s assistant deputy, lover of everything Bobby Orr4Parry Sound native Bobby Orr played in the National Hockey League (NHL) for 12 seasons (1966-1978), 10 with the Boston Bruins and two with the Chicago Black Hawks. Orr remains the only defenceman to have won the league scoring title. He holds the record for most points and assists in a single season by an NHL defenceman., arrive at the scene.

“Tape off everything, Virgil, and take notes,” Jock rattled on.

Meanwhile, Rupert ambled off on his own.

“So folks, explain in detail, what actually happened,” questioned Jock to the nervous twosome.

“Not so fast,” cautioned Virgil, licking the end of the stub of his Bobby Orr 4B pencil and then carefully forming the letters.

“It’s Ben Billings,” explained Jock, closely examining the body, “a local handy man. You sure you don’t know him?”

“Well, we’re not the owners, the Marchers probably know him, probably engaged him to get the cottage ready for us.”

“You could be right, I’ll confirm it with the Marchers. But why was he killed?” wondered Jock.

Virgil pipes in, “Pretty severe for doing shoddy work.”

Peters ignores the remark and concludes, “Looks like a 10 mm cartridge probably shot with a Glock 22. But why would anyone kill a harmless old guy like Ben? Beats me. Where’s Rupert?”

As if on cue, Rupert appeared seemingly enjoying his walk on the ubiquitous pine needles. “Who owns that new Ford 150 up on the road?”

“That’d be Ben’s,” answered Virgil.

“Any signs of what happened, Rupert?”

Not answering, Rupert headed for the dock.

Sheila and Roger, now sitting comfortably on the Georgian Bay chairs and being naturally hospitable, offered to get the police something to drink.

Both Jock and Rupert declined but Virgil requested, ‘a sarsaparilla’. Correctly interpreting the questioning looks, Virgil explained, ‘It’s what Bobby Orr drinks.”

Rupert returned.

“Well folks,” Jock started, vainly sucking in his gut and placing one foot strategically on a stump to gain importance, “Here’s how I see it. Ben here was doing some work for the Archers, early in the morning so it was dark, and since there have been a lot of break and enters in these parts, one of the neighbours fired a warning shot to scare him off and he was mistakenly killed. We’ll check with the neighbours. I’m sure it’s all a tragic mistake. I’ll hand the details over to you Virgil. Excuse me, do you have any red wine?”


Rioting St. David’s Day fanatics

Jock turned to Rupert. “Is that how you see it, Rupert? You must get this a lot in the city. Police called to quell a St. David’s Day celebration that gets out of hand. Police fire warning shots which inadvertently hit a couple having an affair on a balcony on the 23d floor. Poor Ben; wrong place at the wrong time. I like that. Include that in your report Virgil.”

Rupert clears his throat, Sheila and Roger struggle to get out of their Coureur-des-bois chairs to hear what Rupert has to say.

“I think the shooting was intentional but Ben wasn’t the target.”


Chapter three

What?” came the gasping chorus. Virgil swallowed his gum

Jock, a bit put off, longingly eyeing the bottle of fine red wine on the table, (I can adjust my taste, he reasoned), turned to Rupert and said awkwardly. “On what basis do you say that?”

Rupert explained. “As you said, Jock, why would anyone kill Ben? And that got me to thinking. Where did Ben get the money for the new truck? You told me he was a handy man, he can’t earn that much so Ben must have known something that someone wanted.”

“But if Ben knew something, why would you kill him?” Jock wondered, moving towards the wine.

“Good point. I think, once the killer got the information he wanted from Ben, he killed him to keep him silent. They obviously knew each other.”

“How did they do it? I didn’t see any signs of someone coming onto the property,” puzzled Virgil, scratching behind his ear with his Bobby Orr autograph ruler from his Bobby Orr signature geometry set.

“They came by water,” explained Rupert. There are signs of recent scrapes to the dock.

“Now what? Wondered Jock out loud.

“Let’s try to understand Ben a little more. What do you know about him? What’s his typical day?”

Sheila and Roger, no longer needed in the investigation, forcibly unclenched Jock’s fingers from the bottle of wine and settled into their Oastler Park chairs to drink in the rest of the day.

Rupert headed back into town.

Taking in the sights, Rupert walked to the main dock. The cruise ship The Island Queen was moored there. This tourist favourite promotes trips around the area’s boasted 30,000 islands and, indeed, this part of Georgian Bay is populated by what looks like a lot of bits of floating forest. He couldn’t help but wonder at the changes in travel from the early days when steamers were the only way to visit this part of cottage country. Scanning the harbour and looking east away from the water, the trestle bridge stands out for its height as it spans the gorge that defines the harbour. It wasn’t until the early 1900s, 1908 to be exact, that train travel opened up Parry Sound and gave travellers from Toronto a convenient alternative.

And now, of course, you can also fly into Parry Sound with the charter service catering to fishermen and sightseers.

(Back at police headquarters)

“Well Rupert, Virgil did some digging and none of Ben’s clients spent large sums with him; he basically opened and closed cottages, did odd jobs, and looked after them in the off season so I don’t know how he afforded that new truck and when I checked with the dealership, they said he paid in full. The Marchers confirmed that they’d asked Ben to do some plumbing for them and that’s why he was at their place.

“But Virgil did discover a bit of a head scratcher, Ben never worked on Fridays.”

Virgil quoting from his notes. “I phoned his work number and in addition to the usual ‘leave a message’ info, he said his business hours were 8 to 6 Monday through Thursday. You’d think Fridays would be a working day for a handy man. I confirmed that with his clients, he never worked Fridays.”

“What do you think, Rupert?”

“I’ve no idea, what can you only do on Fridays in Parry Sound?”“There’s Bingo,” offered Virgil, “my aunt Rowena plays there regularly but it doesn’t cost much and I never saw Ben there so I’d put that down as a ‘maybe’. She did win $18 which, to her, was substantial. What’ja think?”

“Let’s walk around and talk to the businesses in town,” Rupert suggested, “maybe something will turn up, why do you think he left town on Fridays? And, if so, why every Friday? I’ll need one of your portable phones.”

The three of them split up the town and starting knocking on doors.

“Rupert, Virgil?” Jock here, “I’m at Tailwinds, I think I’ve got something.”

“That’s the charter airline, right?  

“Right, at the dock beside the restaurant, on the other side where the Island Queen is docked.”

“Where do they fly to?”

“Well, they’re seaplanes, so wherever there’s water,” Jock replied.

“I’ll be there in about 10 minutes, Jock.”

(Fairways’ office)

“Hi Jock, good to see you, planning a trip?”

“I wish. This is Rupert Tillinghast, Vern, a detective friend of mine up from Toronto, Rupert this is Vern who runs Georgian Bay Airways. Vern who flies for you?”

“A couple of guys, Miller James is our lead pilot, he’s out right now. What can I help you with?”

Rupert jumped in, “”We’re interested in any regular flights you might schedule, especially on Fridays.”

“Let’s see,” consulting his log book, “Well, Ben Billings usually books flights on a Friday.”

“Where does he go?”

“Manitoulin Island, Ben’s got his Mum there, she’s not well, makes a regular visit.”

“And where to on the island?”

Let’s see, “South Baymouth, that’s on the south eastern shore of the island.”

“Does that mean anything to you Jock?”

“Not sure where you’re going with this, Rupert, I’ve never been to Manitoulin island.”

“Are you up for a little trip guys? You can both swim, right?”

Virgil thoughtfully put the gum he was chewing behind his ear.


Chapter four

Manitoulin Island, which separates the North Channel and Georgian Bay from Lake Huron’s main body of water is the world’s largest lake island. Looking from high in space the island’s south coast is a perfect piece of the perimeter of a large circle that arcs from Lake Michigan in the west round the island and then down following the coastline of Lake Huron to the east. A remarkable geological, geometrical form.

“Whom do you know that handles police work on Manitoulin Island, Jock?

“Bill Holden looks after local squabbles, he reports into Sudbury.”

Our three intrepid truth seekers charter a Georgian Airways flight to the island and set out to try to understand if Ben had been more than just a thoughtful son.

After an uneventful 30 minute flight, Bill meets the plane and takes them to a local restaurant.

“How can I help you guys?” Bill questioned over coffee.

Jock started, “Would you know Ben Billings by any chance?”

“No, is he on your wanted list?”

“He’s a handy man back at Parry Sound, says he visits his mom regularly; she’s in a home here. Any idea where that would be? He flies into South Baymouth.”

“Closest home I can think of would be Wikwemikong.”

“Virgil, would you look into that, please, thanks.”

Rupert spoke up, “Who visits Manitoulin, Bill?”

“Well, the summer’s our biggest season. Boaters, sailors, fishermen; most come by water.”

“Where do they come from mostly, would they come from Parry Sound?”

“Not too many but we get a lot of Americans from as far away as Michigan; the Island has so much to offer for the boater. Let me give you a drive round.”

They dropped Virgil off at the home and drove into Gore Bay, the island’s capital.

“When you say a lot of Americans visit the island, where do they check in for customs?” Jock wondered.

“That would be Meldrum Bay, up on the north west corner of the island.”

“How does that work?”

“Well, it’s the honour system, actually,” explained Bill, “but if you don’t check in and get caught, we confiscate the boat so visitors are pretty honest.”

They headed back to pick up Virgil and catch a scheduled flight back to Parry Sound from South Baymouth.

“No record of Ben’s Mom at Wikwemikong,” Virgil reported, referring to his notes. “But of course, she could be at another place, there are several. But the staff said if you flew into South Baymouth, this would be the logical place.”

The only one in town

“Virgil, when we get back, would you take pictures of any American plates in the parking lot, please? Thanks.”

“Sure thing, Rupert. Is this one of those detective hunches? Jock’s never work.”


Chapter five

(Back at Parry Sound police headquarters)

Any ideas, Jock?”

“Well, Rupert, if Ben wasn’t seeing his Mom, why the trips to the Island?”

“Good question, maybe we should have another visit with Georgian Airways and today’s Friday. You didn’t tell Vern about Ben, did you?”

“No, I kept it quiet.”

“Good, let’s keep it that way for a while.”

(at Georgian Airways office)

“Hi Vern, you remember Rupert, we’re interested in any flights planned for Manitoulin Island today.”

“Funny thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, today is Friday, Ben’s usual day but Ben didn’t book the flight. You know Sam Armstrong? He said Ben was busy and asked him to take some things for his Mom. Ben said he’d pay for the flight. Armstrong’s right there waiting to board if you’d like to catch him.”

“Who’s Sam Armstrong?” Rupert asked Jock.

“Nice guy, local attorney, tough situation, his daughter got caught up in the local drug scene.”

“Would Armstrong have a gun?”

“Yes, as I recall, he’s licensed. Most people hunt up here.”

(Turning to Vern) “No, that’s fine, thanks Vern.”

Outside the office, Jock collared Rupert. “Why didn’t you talk to Armstrong and ask him what he was up to?”

“I have an idea, can you contact Bill Holden on the island? Here’s my thinking.”


Chapter six

(Back at police headquarters)

Jock? Bill Holden here from the island. Boy, you guys hit the jackpot.”

Virgil put the call on speaker phone.

“You were right, the plane lands and connects with a power boat, but then all hell breaks loose. This guy jumps out of the plane with a gun and starts shooting. The boat flies outta there and then the plane fires up to take off and the guy with the gun barely gets back on board.  We took off after the power boat and caught up to it as it headed to open water heading south west away from the island. We’ve got everyone in custody, will fax you the details and await further instructions.”

“Thanks Bill, get back to you soon.”

Rupert takes charge, “Let’s go and meet that plane, guys, and Virgil, bring some handcuffs.”

(Georgian Air Lines, Parry Sound, Sam Armstrong’s flight just landed)

“Sam Armstrong, I arrest you for the murder of Ben Billings, please step out of the plane and put your hands behind your back. Anything you say will be taken down and can be used against you.”  Virgil was bursting with pride and later confessed that he always wanted to be in a position to say something like that.

“Book the pilot, too, Virgil,” directed Rupert.

(Back at police headquarters)

“I’m all ears, Rupert,” a wonder-eyed Jockbegged his companion.

“I suspected your attorney friend, Sam Armstrong; after all, he knew Ben was dead. He had to be out for revenge for his daughter when he went after the occupants in the boat. Armstrong probably learned from his daughter that she got her drugs from the handy man, Ben Billings. But I’m pretty sure Armstrong wasn’t after Ben, he just wanted to know who was behind it all.

“Armstrong probably got Ben to talk on the threat of exposing his scheme and we’ll have to see if Armstrong pleads accidental death but I suspect Armstrong killed him intentionally to keep him quiet.”

“But why kill him at the Marchers, they’ll be really upset.”

“Perfect spot: isolated, neighbours not too close, hidden access from across the water, faded James Bay chairs on the deck give it that ‘somebody’s there’ look and feel so you wouldn’t be surprised to see some activity.”

“Good point,” added Jock, “and to make it even easier to get the jump on someone, they’re seldom there. I believe they have another chalet in Québec; probably friends with the Mulroneys.”

“They’d be known as Marché, there,” contributed Virgil, not wanting to be left out of the solution and suddenly imagining his grade IX French.

(Rupert continues the wrap up)  “Ben took a regular Friday flight with the pilot, Miller James, who was in on this scheme and they hooked up with some Americans who, Bill Holden tells us, came over from Harrisville in Michigan. They got their drugs from Detroit.”

“Well, well, well,” mused Jock, “I’ll get back to Bill Holden on the island.

(A bottle of red wine appears)  “Sorry Rupert, Chablis is just not on my shopping list, (Liberally pouring three glasses.) I can’t thank you enough.

“Man, we’re small town compared to you city guys but I think I see the big picture now. So, to cover all the bases, you cleverly had Virgil track down any US plates because if things didn’t ‘fly’, excuse the pun, here and something ever happened to Ben, they’d have backup to pick up the drugs and find a new distributor. How am I doing?”

Rupert suppresses a smile.

Jock steadies his glass on a Bobby Orr signed coaster and turns to Virgil with a determined look) “Virgil, go and check out the owner of that US plate and take some backup, I’ve a hunch things could get nasty.”

“I did follow up, Jock, when I took the picture.”

(shifting nervously in his chair) “And …”

“He’s a Bobby Orr fan, came up for some memorabilia.”

   [ + ]

1. not an umlaut, which would indicate a change in the vowel sound, but a diaeresis
2. Canadian
3. The lake was named after Gordon Gerald Kingshott who was killed in action during the Second World War. The Canadian government had the commendable policy of naming lakes after their war dead, and Gordon is thus commemorated.
4. Parry Sound native Bobby Orr played in the National Hockey League (NHL) for 12 seasons (1966-1978), 10 with the Boston Bruins and two with the Chicago Black Hawks. Orr remains the only defenceman to have won the league scoring title. He holds the record for most points and assists in a single season by an NHL defenceman.

Yul Brynner

Yul Brynner died October 10th 1985 but lives on in our household.

Yul first entered our universe, Sheila’s actually, when Sheila, in her teenage years, took in a movie as part of a birthday celebration. The movie in question was Anastasia, also starring Ingrid Bergman, and there was no question that, in Sheila’s eyes, it (Yul, not necessarily the movie) deserved a second viewing so she and her great friend Elizabeth stayed on while the rest of the party departed.

I decided if Yul was going to be around I’d try to make use, as best as I could, of his presence.

Before going on, I should point out that I have hair and Yul did, too, but had it shorn for The King and I and it never came back. There is, therefore, no physical comparison between us and, to Sheila’s credit, she doesn’t expect me to compete head to head, so to speak.

No, it’s the subtle things like, ‘Yul can do no wrong,’ subtle things that I’m up against that I’ve tried to use in my defense.

“Give us an example,” you beseech.

OK, when I take that extra scoop of ice cream that in Sheila’s measuring eye is one scoop too many and can’t help but add a zinger that’s waist high, I quickly come back with, “You wouldn’t have said that to Yul.”

But Sheila’s too sharp to let that sit and zings back, “Yul wouldn’t have taken the extra scoop in the first place.”

Hard to rebut that as, anyone who remembers, Yul in his prime looked disgustingly fit. His bio said he’d spent some time in a circus and I suspect he wasn’t feeding the lions unless they can handle a trapeze.

But I’m truly up against a formidable opponent because I thought he, in his prime, in the manly sense, was pretty cool. I liked him in The Magnificent Seven. Fortunately that movie also starred some other cool guys like Steve McQueen so I wasn’t fixated on Yul.

I don’t think I would have done well in debating class if I had to oppose the challenge,

Yul Brynner is a cool guy.

I’m thinking my best strategy would be to question his coolness. “Well, sure he was cool, but how cool?” And then after some illogical meanderings that lead nowhere sit down and hope there weren’t any young maidens of an impressionable age on the defense team.

But all this is just a prologue to one of the eternal mysteries of co-habitation: male defense when you have no defense. How do you handle reasonable questions of your questionable behaviour without resorting to the behaviour of a three year old?

“We needed a sit down lawn mower,” doesn’t stack up too well against, “We have, what, 40 square feet of yellow grass?”

“You said you were going to get a set of new tires, you came back with a new car.”

Again, pointing out to anyone, let alone to your spouse, that a new car comes with a set of new tires doesn’t get you votes towards a Nobel prize.

“I asked you to buy a hose, a garden hose for our terrace. What you decided to invest our life savings in could be classified as standard equipment for a fire station. If we had a tree that caught on fire, often, I might be sympathetic. And it’s orange; what, in the name of the primary colours prompted you to get something that charitably goes with nothing and sticks out like an overgrown snake with carotenemia?”

I decided not to go with, “You can easily find it in the winter to bring it in,” and stood my ground with, “It’s a real hose, those other things fall apart when you drive over them.”

I realized too late that we’d given up a driveway when we gave up our house for the condo and condo rules, I’m pretty sure, don’t allow cars on terraces.

So, out of ideas, I came back to Yul and tried to knock him down so that the next time I’m zinged I can come back with an appropriate and biting, “Well, Yul, yes your Yul, wrote graffiti on the Kremlin wall.” Or whatever it was that he did that he shouldn’t have.

Actually, Yul has a pretty impressive bio: worked hard, did well, was kind to small animals; nothing nasty but then … there it was … an aha! Yul smoked!

I digress, but when you stream today’s entertainment, the warnings that precede the show, the warnings designed to shield you from a sleepless night, include, in addition to sex, nudity, foul language, mayhem, gore, lots of gore that never changes colour, destruction of fine cars etc. is ‘smoking’. Who knew? Who knew how prescient Yul was. He not only died of it, throw in a circus fall or two, but he created a short film clip that told the world not to smoke which lives on today to be included in the you-might-not-want-your-mother-to-watch-this list of Netflix warnings.

So now when Sheila challenges my sanity and good sense and evokes her touchstone of leadership, I fight back with, “Well, Yul smoked!”

(theatrical pause)

“He was acting.”

“Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

Ignorance is (not) bliss

First of all the provenance of this safety valve for the light of mind:

The expression comes from a 1742 Thomas Gray poem (‘Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College’): “Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.”

(David Lehman sheds the following:)

The ‘Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College,’ in its general contours, is a romantic poem of return, with some similarities to Wordsworth’s “Tintern Abbey.”  In both poems the poet returns to a place after an interval of years; he feels the change as a loss; he recollects the past and looks to the future. Wordsworth’s poem travels from melancholy at the passing of youth to the compensations of maturity. But Gray’s poem is more radical, the poet less willing to talk himself out of his gloom.

To the present and to the practical, not the poetic.

I am familiar with garden fountains as this will be our second. The first had a pump that continually1To the interested, ‘continuously’ would indicate duration without interruption. This pump interrupted. needed cleaning thanks to surroundings populated by naturally defoliating trees and a fall season that seemed to go on all year. The process was simple enough; you dismantled everything and gave it a blast of the hose dislodging things better not described for the faint of heart.

Fountain #2 (see below) presented a sickly display; water dribbled from one catch through four more to then repeat itself but the spray was not inspiring. “Time to clean out the old pump,” came the conclusion and command. To the uninitiated and mildly interested this is a three step process:

  1. Clean the pump itself and adjust the water volume valve
  2. Clean the bit of tubing that connects the pump to the fountain
  3. Clean the whatever that connects the bit of tubing to the top of the fountain. Could be plastic tubing or, in this case, a metal tube of some metric measure
Now that’s a fountain: Late Greek Doric bowl supported by a plinth of some description all topped off with a touch of modern Japanese zen.

Scientific analysis:

  1. The pump itself is fine; clean and set to full power
  2. We’ll get to this
  3. The whatever is fine; no obstructions nor leaks; should sustain the pump at its best effort.
Fountain of sickly display…

Now a look at number 2, the bit of tubing between the pump and the base of the fountain. It works, but barely, so it must be plugged.

“Aha,” you say, “science to the rescue but hardly a scientific revelation.”

“Not so fast,” I counter, “an obstruction, yes, but a planned obstruction.”

“I know not of which you speak,” you query staying in the ode mode, and well you should ask.

“It’s a purposeful plug of plastic to meter the water, control the flow, if you will.”

“And … ,” say you filling the momentary gap knowing there’s more.

“…. And, within the plug is another plug! With teeny, tiny holes to finely regulate the flow.2So, what did I do? I removed both plugs so that now the fountain is a well of wondrous water that keeps admirers at a safe distance.

“Eureka,” you wonder in true Archimedian fashion.

“Yes, these clever people have provided all the tools to manage water flow for every occasion. But do the instructions illustrate this complete package? No. I did not know there was a plug in a plug. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I instruct you to unanimously deliver a verdict of, ‘ignorance is not bliss’.”

… no more

The second episode in this truly exciting testament to poking holes in Thomas Grey’s pronouncement takes me to the car dealership that understands my vehicle.

When you deign to buy a cargo net for your trunk … allow me to elucidate the item in question for those who net no cargo … this is a woven piece of material that is strung, hammock like, from one side of your trunk to the other. It’s suspended to prevent things near and dear to you, how ‘bout a bottle of booze?, from rolling around and, worse, breaking and breaking your heart.

The instructions, lo all two pages of them, show you roughly where the loops will affix inside the trunk.

Period. That you could have guessed.

The instructions do not explain the bag of bits that accompany the netting. Your highly educated brain and years of experience in such matters cannot make any sense of any of the items. You hopefully conclude they’re for other models of your brand but you do ponder. So you get in the trunk and after the physically demanding exercise of getting into and extricating yourself out of the turtle position you conclude that there are some holes where the some of the bits in the bag could go. But how do you attach them?

(aside) I appreciate that the engineers have other challenges to occupy their time, One being, “How do you make an engine and how do you make an engine work reasonably well?”

(aside now put aside) So why should anchoring a cargo net demand more than sticking a couple of hooks in the trunk? Why didn’t they do it?

Let’s assume the engineers got the engine to work reasonably well and were congratulating themselves as they waved the car off the assembly line and never gave a moment’s thought to attaching a couple of hooks for the cargo net.

And when did they wake up and cover their coveralls by cobbling together the necessary bits and pieces? Most likely when the buyer of the car is a shopping mom who says, “Where’s the cargo net?”

Cargo net installed. Just not in my car.

Admitting defeat, another-dumb-customer-who-can’t-figure-out-a-simple-task-like- installing-a-cargo-net, and I contact the dealership.

“You need a special tool, only dealerships have it.”

I rest my case.

Note to the astute reader: The topic above appeared before, in a different context, in the blog entry, ‘Musings from a Sunday.’ Apologies but as my Mother would say when we pointed out that we’ve already had the pleasure of one of her bromides, “Bears repeating.”

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1. To the interested, ‘continuously’ would indicate duration without interruption. This pump interrupted.
2. So, what did I do? I removed both plugs so that now the fountain is a well of wondrous water that keeps admirers at a safe distance.