‘Welcome to Otto’s Audi Autos Mr. Legon.’
‘An audible palindrome, well done; shades of a Toyota. And Civic.’
‘My name is Leon Ridley, how can I help you?’
‘I’m looking to trade my 2014 Audi A4…’
‘Excellent, let me …
‘…low mileage …’
‘Fine, let me …’
‘… well maintained …’
‘Right, let me …’
‘… and I only smoke with the windows open …’
‘Commendable, I’ll make a note of that, let me …
‘… even in winter.’
‘… let me get your car evaluated, may I get you a coffee?’
(twenty minutes later)
‘Mr. Legon, we have the evaluation of your trade-in; which new car did you have in mind?’
‘Oh, roughly the same as I have.’
‘Thank you, please have a seat.’
(1 minute later)
‘Mr. Legon, we can send you on your way in a new Audi A4 for around $50,000.’
‘How much are you giving me for my trade?’
‘Around $15,000’
‘So, I’m looking at around $35,000.’
‘Mr. Legon, you’re looking at your car and around $50,000.’
(minutes later)
‘I see.’
(Leon puts two and two together …)
‘Mr. Legon, I sense some concern.’
‘Well, that’s a bit of a shock, not sure I’m ready for that.’
(starts to leave)
‘I understand, please have a seat, I may have a solution.’
‘You want to see the sales manager.’
‘Ha ha, you’ve seen Fargo. No, maybe you don’t need all the options your 2019 A4 comes with. Maybe we can cherry pick exactly what you want and end up with a more favourable price.’
‘How does that work?’
‘Well, much like the recent concern the market had over TV services, you know, forced to buy channels you never use, we at Otto’s Audi Autos have come up with a similar program. We want to keep you in an Audi not drive you to a Honda Accord1To those not in the know, this is the car the Legons actually bought. You can buy the base Audi and then just add what you want or take it as is. As you know, all cars have eliminated the cigarette lighter, so this is the trend, just buy what you use.’
‘How much is the base Audi A4?’
‘$21,000.’
‘Unbelievable.’
‘Yes lovely set of wheels that comes with new tires by the way, so let’s see what you might want to add, if anything, to the base Audi.’
‘OK.’
Do you plan to sit down?’
I beg your pardon, there are no seats?
Do you know how expensive those seats are? The seats move six ways to Sunday with electric motors that always seem to go on the fritz just when the warranty runs out; they’re air-conditioned as well as heated and come covered in Ricardo Montalban endorsed soft, fine, rich Corinthian leather. Quite a commitment at $8,768.
But what do I sit on?
‘Well, you could kneel or stand up if you order the sunroof. But most of our customers who forgo this option purloin one of those plastic milk box like containers you see at every fruit stand. Just go up and buy a few tomatoes and nonchalantly walk out with one.
‘That’s stealing.’
‘Mr. Legon, you can’t steal something that’s already been stolen. You’ll love them, they’re marvelous with so many built-in features: easy to adjust, move forwards, backwards, even sideways; zero maintenance, air-conditioned and with a cushion they’re practically comfortable. Ladies love them, they sit so high, so easy to get in and out of. And if they ever go missing you can just go and buy a few more tomatoes.’
‘I suppose.’
‘Shall we continue?’
‘Well, OK.’
‘Here’s another favourite that keeps money in your pocket; Mr. Legon, ask yourself, do you really need to roll down the windows?’
‘How much does that save me?’
‘$2,067 manual or $4,765 electric.’
‘And who really needs floor carpeting? Another $1,540. Never again face those pesky spots you just can’t seem to get rid of!’
‘And a glove box? Who wears gloves today? $890.’
‘And when was the last time you used your horn? $ 112.’
‘And your turn signals, $480?’
‘You mean?
‘Yes, use hand signals.’
‘But I can’t roll down the windows.’
‘Then you might not want that option; but several of our customers just order the sunroof and wave. Or always just make right turns. Or just never change lanes; a bit of trip planning helps here.’
‘I’m not sure about that.’
‘OK, moving on …’
‘Paint.’
‘Paint?’
‘No paint saves you $1,345.’
‘What’s it look like?’
‘Have you seen primer? Quite unique. Lovely at a certain time of day. Never needs waxing. And you get to choose between matte and semi-gloss.’
‘Or I can save you the $1,875 destination charges.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Just pick up the car at the factory.’
‘Which is where, exactly?’
‘Atlanta.’
‘Atlanta Georgia?’
‘Lovely at this time of year.’
‘You’ve been there?’
‘No, but I saw Gone with the Wind. Can get hot but then with these savings you’ll frankly not give a damn.’
‘You know Mr. Ridley, I appreciate what you and Otto’s Audi Autos are trying to do but I just can’t see myself adapting to a car without these options. I guess I’ll have to move on from the basic model.’
‘That’s fine; just one last question to guarantee you’ll save a bundle and we can get this settled to the penny.’
‘Good.’
‘Do you ever see the need to back up?’
| 1. | ↑ | To those not in the know, this is the car the Legons actually bought |