Let’s face it, this COVID-19 thing is giving everyone the willies. One moment you’re breathing fire and the next not breathing at all. You could be gasping for breath and realize that you haven’t put your dying thoughts down on paper. If you don’t, they could say anything about you and the world would miss all the highlights of your life that you want to make sure everyone gets to hear, see, read, file away, search the library of congress for and wonder at. So, as a semi-public service, herewith a pro-forma eulogy (not pro bono, I need the $10.00 to help cover the cost of my flowers) that will make sure you’ve covered all the bases and more importantly, whoever has the honour of pontificating your contribution to society, doesn’t wander off topic. Choices are indicated in the brackets; circle the appropriate response (accuracy is not the issue at this time – one tries to speak well of the dead) and leave this form where the cleaning lady won’t push it through the shredder.
Welcome to this celebration of the life of __________________. My name is _______________________ and I’m a (A. lifelong friend B. passing acquaintance C. cell mate or D. paid reader).
Needless to say __________________’s passing was a shock. (He – she ) was in the prime (411Included for those who were sensitive about their real age – 30 years sensitive. , 71,73,79,83,89,97,101) of (his – her) life; full of vacuity, specious syllogisms, bibulous blatherings and memorable malapropisms.
This is an emotional time and I understand if you can’t help but (A. weep B. laugh C. nod off or D. check your e-mails).
A brief history for those here today who just came in from the cold and/or for the cold cuts: _____________________ was an exceptional baby, speaking at 3 months, reading at 1 and writing nudge-nudge, wink-wink memorable limericks while self potty-training.
A remarkable mind and a caring soul that didn’t mind if you cared or not, _____________________, at an early age saw where the automobile was heading and not stopping and talked (his – her) (A. father B. mother C. care giver or D. maharishi) into funding a chain of car repair shops that also sold car insurance thus guaranteeing the success of both enterprises and his early retirement.
Rapidly accelerating through public school, _________________ entered high school at the tender age of 10 and was teaching calculus in grade IX while correcting Latin papers when professor Quid wasn’t out on parole. And for what, you may ask?
A superb athlete, __________ bested Olympic standards in such demanding activities as the (A. slow walk B. painfully slow walk with gout C. juggling with two balls or D. celebrating in an obnoxious manner ) and donated a trophy to the school which, in addition to being a permanent recognition of __________ ‘s rare achievement, doubles as a welcome doorstop.
Entering university, ___________was immediately selected to be a Rhodes Scholar for (his – her ) in-depth knowledge of (A. quantum mechanics B. automobile mechanics or C. mechanics who can stop a Pinto from catching fire) and returned home with an honours degree in (A. philosophy B. economics C. economics as a philosophy or D. economical philosophy).
Sought after by the leading companies in the world including (A. Dollarama B. Popeye’s or C. Joe’s Garage ‘We specialize in Pintos’ ), ______________ went on to receive many recognized accolades including (A. The Noble Prize for spelling B. Mad magazine’s Person of the Year or C. the Key to the town of Mimico).
Before passing, ____________ was working on a memoir with the working title ‘Working on a memoir.’ This preternaturally pretentious autobiography, liberally illustrated with clip art, will be posthumously published on a home printer and made available throughout metro Toronto wherever you can find a Toronto Sun newspaper box. $1.00 per copy or a brace for $5.00, the box has been adapted to accept either Canadian or US currency. What a great opportunity to get rid of those Canadian pennies.
The (A. family B. friends or C. church’s janitorial crew) have asked, instead of (A. suing B. throwing confetti or C. bad mouthing the departed) that you make donations in (A. your B. your ex’s or C. Donald Trump’s) name to the Lakeview Golf Club which will go towards the purchase of a discontinued St. George’s golf cart to be permanently stationed on the 12th fairway. The cart is operated by an LCBO motivational speaker to the AA and will help players, who walk the course, get up the 32o slope to the 12th green to putt their ball off the green and back down to the fairway.
Thank you, now will you please all stand and join me in the singing a favourite of ______________ ‘s (A. there’ll be peace in the valley B. I go to pieces C. peaceful easy feeling or D. anything by the Grateful Dead).
When ordering the eulogy, please specify skid # 312.B and make the e-transfer to: Birthmark Cards – ‘When you don’t care what you send.
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