1 – The Crap (part 1 of trilogy)

Warning: The following contains material that may be offensive to some people; even males. Reader discretion is advised. (Too late for some who’ve read this far.)

We’re planning to move!

(Male chorus) ‘So?’

It means we must downsize. Which means we must get rid of most of our crap.

(Male chorus) ‘What’s so difficult about that? Couple of LCBO boxes and you’re done.’

To ye who have no plans to move (but should), let me clarify your fuzzification. We’ll start, where I was directed to start, with a descent to the great unknown – the furnace room. This seldom penetrated posting measures a mere 8 feet by 12 feet. Apart from the furnace and the hot water heater, it permanently stores two interior doors that belong to the house but, at sometime in their life, were deemed expendable but not throw-out-able. Fortunately, they are arranged as shelves so they help absorb rather than add to the clutter.

Now for a survey of an eternity of smart buys:

• A 4 drawer metal, bomb proof filing cabinet that safely kept paper bills and receipts for 40 years.
• A steamer trunk that kept nothing but was deemed interesting.
• Door wreathes: the committed interior designer could rationalize that 2 outside doors (front and back) times 4 seasons require 8 wreathes. We have 15.
• Going back to the doors that act as shelves: they hold 9 pieces of luggage (sometimes I don’t get to go). Why so many, you ask? Well, we’ve been on many trips, haven’t we, and what typically happens is spouse #1 decides:

‘We need new luggage for this trip.’

‘Why?’ cautiously rejoins the other spouse.

‘Well, what we have just won’t work on this trip,’ clearly clarifies spouse #1.

Never-giving-up-spouse #2 counters, ‘Just curious, but what is there about luggage that makes it non-workable?’

‘Well, for a start, they’re too heavy and the most up-to-date luggage is lighter.’

‘How if we stick with the heavier luggage and just not pack your make-up kit?’ ventures spouse #2 while exiting right.

• A child’s car seat bought at great expense and used once¹The number of items we’ve bought and used just once and then  stored for another day, which never came, is currently at 2,104 by visiting grandchild. A child’s car booster seat bought at great expense and used once when said grandchild, who by this time had outgrown the child’s car seat bought at great expense and used once, visited us a second time.
• Set of golf clubs (well they have to be kept warm in winter, duh)
• Two book cases holding no books but harbouring lots of I’ve-no-idea-unopened- stuff with dust on it.
• Unliftable tub of driveway sealer; semi-liftable tub of driveway filler, a two-handed jug of driveway liquid crack filler. By the time master spouse gets around to doing something about the driveway, above items have solidified.
• Rubbermaid tubs, the big ones, the needs-two-to-lift big ones holding:
  • Indoor Christmas decorations; enough for two homes.
  • Two sets of Christmas tree lights (Bubble lights could come back.)
  • 7 sets of outdoor Christmas lights of which 2 sets work but they’re not the same colour.
  • Dishes for Party o’ the Summer. Make us an offer. Free delivery over $40.
  • One size fits all New Year’s Eve tiaras, top hats & noise makers. Happy to bring and leave with an invite.
  • Children’s toys for children up to the age of 2. Ryo is 13; Shea 6 and Brady a mature 2.5.
  • Sons’ crap that they’ve shown no interest in until now, ‘Don’t throw that out!’

Now comes the fun part, you don’t part with most of it. ‘Oh look, the mock plastic ash tray that aunt Gladys gave us, I know just where that will go in the new place.’

Your eyes glaze over, you want to sit down but there’s no room. You’ve eliminated 12.57 percent of the crap from just one room and you’re moving into a place that’s 42.8 percent smaller than where you live now. And there are 10 more rooms to go. Each room with a closet²And for every closet there are shelves, racks, drawers… that you’re afraid to open.

‘So,’ concludes the by now uncomfortable but still all-knowing-male, ‘Thanks for the heads-up, I won’t move.’

But you’ve got to move, guys, or they’ll move you; ‘Can he hear me?’ (shouting) You’ll love Sleepy Acres!’

You’ve got to get off the couch and make sure that gutless wooden tennis racket gets to that special person you promised to remember. You’ve got to get off the couch and make sure your treasures stay with you and not get swept away in the shredder. What about your first edition copy of, ‘Principals with principles,’ (a light read) and the priceless, ready for framing, Crokinole Life Award – Senior Section (CLASS)? Which you graciously accepted while giving the crowd the finger (‘to admire’ is understood – ed.).

Indeed. But don’t despair. It can be done. It must be done. Off you go. I’m off, too. Off to tackle the garage where I put all the stuff I didn’t know what to do with from the furnace room.